Friday, June 17, 2011

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

ANOTHER movie starring HARRISON FORD and RIVER PHOENIX?!?!?!??!?!??!?!!??!!

and, wouldn't you know, in this film they FORD a RIVER!
nah jk
and anyway the "they" couldn't be HARRISON FORD and RIVER PHOENIX "ford"ing the "river" together because
they play the same character! (Indiana Jones)
maybe you could say that
"fords" a sewer or whatever the fuck that was
but I don't think he really does so don't worry about it imo

btw fyi I'm not going to be using all caps for the names of actors anymore

while there may be no fording of rivers
sure is some
boating on them!!!!!! and also boating on other bodies of water!
there is so much boating in this movie that Sean Connery, an actor playing the role of Indiana Jones's father, whose name starts with an H I think (could it be "Harrison"?!?!??!?!??!!??!), says "great, more boats." (he was being sarcastic.)

back to the bro's name
indiana jones and his dad have the same real name
but indiana apparently named himself after his dog because he had fond memories of his dog
why didn't he keep his dad's name?
THAT OLD FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(guessing tho that he was less old during indy's childhood)
yall see,
indy's dad apparently never talked to him
because he cared more about people who died 500 years ago!
(he was some medieval literature bro, and also a professor whom kids *h8d*)
seems like indiana (jones) thought his mother wasn't religious
and was mad at his dad for being so religious
(his dad is so religious that he yells at indy for saying "jesus christ!!!!!!!!!!!")
and seemed like he was all
"huff!!!! why did ma have to die instead of this old religious fart!!!!!! and how could this religious fart have let her die!!!!!"
and sean connery was like
"you idiot! your mother was way religious too! you just didn't know it! and btw I had no idea she was dying!!!!!!!!!!! she died and I was like 'O:!!!!' and all I could do was mourn!"
(all of this happened p. quickly and I am assuming tons of things re: I don't think that any of this stuff was mentioned in the first two movies and all they did was hint at a bunch of shit p. much, probs so they($tephen $pielberg and Gorge Luca$)'d be able to give these bros' relaish a bunch of backstory in like 30 seconds so that we would care about [SPOILER ALERT! -ed.] sean connery getting shot in the end.

Some fucking idiot on TaBB said something for some reason (I don't remember) that was v. wrong. Bro said that wait actually nevermind this is maybe covered in the 4th movie, which I haven't seen.

look I
slipped in2
capital letters at the beginnings of sentences
like a slave

(btw the "Gorge" back there was a joke about how he's fat)

Wasn't going to post this re: was going for something and failed so I tried going for something else etc. and it kept getting less funny but there's just something about it.

anyway this boat has so many hahahah I called it a boat instead of a movie
I think you can tell I have boats on the brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

speaking of boats on the brain
some assassin guy in a fez almost had boats on the brain......... literally! But we'll get to that later...... (just a lil teaser for yall)

river phoenix
as young indiana jones
seems to have had a boatless childhood
but he did have some strong convictions re: things belonging in museums
things like
some cross
that belonged to
a broad named "Kora Na Doh" or something
probably not a Western name

n e way
not important
re: this movie
can't tell wtf is supposed to be happening
re: $tephen $pielberg seems to be
comparing indy to evil bros att
I think he might just be trying to
make as many scenes as possible each have a counterpart scene
and make you be like "everything is coming together!!!!!!" as much as possible
"wow that's just like when ______!!!!!!"
"so THAT explains _____!!!!!" etc.
drawing parallels that make no sense
the first thing iirc
fine afaict
there was some horrible robber guy
stealing the cross of Kora Na Doh from some hole somewhere
and NOT planning on putting it in a museum
(I think he and his bros just wanted to melt it down (re: it was made of gold) like savages)
and this guy................. was dressed exactly like the grown up version of indiana jones!!!!!! (except his jacket was darker) They even got some kind of harrison ford lookalike to play him.

was like
"Is $.$. trying, here, to make us realize that Indiana Jones is nothing but some kind of looter, stealing the treasures of brown cultures and putting them in museums in exchange for honorariums?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!??? (the honorarium thing actually came up later in the movie, but my thoughts were close to this) Is this $.$. apologizing for The Temple of Doom?!?!??!?!??!?! Is this $.$. getting back at the racist, thieving Gorge Luca$ for making him do that movie?!?!?!??!?!?!"
but there is
so much of this shit in the movie that
it would be
totally ridiculous for $.$. to have been doing that
because it
would mean that
he thinks Indiana Jones is
as bad as a Nazi or something

Do you have something to tell us, Harrison??!?!??!

examples: earlyish in the movie Indy is swarmed by a bunch of gay children from his archaeology class who are shoving moleskines at him 4 autographs
later on in the movie the same thing happens to Hitler, but not outside of an archaeology classroom (and indy gets hitler's autograph by accident)

Not sure what joke I was trying to make here with that speech bubble

another thing
a nazi bro asks indy/his dad sean connery for their papers
via "papers plz"
then later on indy dresses up as a guy who works on a blimp and did the same thing but with tickets (sounds like a stretch but it was v. similar)
these sound way weak but there were way more and I don't want to have to go back looking thru the movie for those two to make them sound better
oh also indy breaks into seancon's room where the nazibros were holding him, and seancon hits indy on the head with a vase and was like
"oh... I thought you were one of them" in an extra serious way
swear it was
extra serious
like it was supposed to mean more than "whoopsie!"
shouldn't have added that last one because it makes the rest sound even weaker but srsly watch the movie and see this shit 4 urself it's an ownage movie
as if a
single person alive has
not seen this movie
and this sort of shit is not just t re: indy/evil bros
it's re: anything and everything
which is another reason I think $.$. isn't really doing anything srs with this (would like to add that I'm also guessing he's unserious w/ this shit via having seen other movies he's made heheh (worst of all re: this: poltergeist imo. bunch of random zanie shit strung together. maybe he made it extra shitty on purpose tho to disguise the fact that he was its secret director,)
not doing anything srs like re: the
whole pointless young indy thing (there was already a train fight in (I think it was) the first movie, so it's not like it's even exciting re: some new setting for a zanie fight)
it's just like
"wow that explains why he's afraid of snakes! he encountered some snakes as a child!!!!! wow so that's where he got his whip! he found it as a child!!!!! wow so that's why he has a scar on his chin! because he got a scar on his chin as a child!! (and it's not like he got it from his father beating him up or anything that would matter. he got it re: not being good enough w/ a whip when he was trying it out for the first time)"
fuck this bro
fuck his ownage movie

wrote a bunch
speculating re: how $.$. and G.L. made the movie
but I read the "development" sections on wikipedia for the temple of doom and the last crusade and
shit is more ridiculous than I could have imagined
this isn't really about how they wrote it but
here is a funny quotation from wikipedia of how the last crusade could have been:

 It begins in 1937, with Indiana battling the murderous ghost of Baron Seamus Seagrove III in Scotland. Indiana travels to Mozambique to aid Dr. Clare Clarke (a Katharine Hepburn type, according to Lucas) who has found a 200-year-old pygmy. The pygmy is kidnapped by the Nazis during a boat chase, and Indiana, Clare and Scraggy Brier—an old friend of Indiana—travel up the Zambesi river to rescue him. Indiana is killed in the climactic battle but is resurrected by the Monkey King. Other characters include a cannibalistic African tribe; Nazi Sergeant Gutterbuhg, who has a mechanical arm; Betsy, a stowaway student who is suicidally in love with Indiana; and a pirate leader named Kezure (described as a Toshirō Mifune type), who dies eating a peach because he is not pure of heart. The tank is three stories high and requires Indiana to ride a rhinoceros to commandeer it.[7]

n e way, apparently gorge puke a$$ and $.$. just took scenes from random scripts and stuck them in wherever
so I am guessing that
the sort of shit I was complaining about re: comparing indy to nazis is probs just
desperately trying to make it look like certain scenes were made specifically for this movie
by making it have anything to do with some other scene in the movie
like the scenes were "meant2be"

the movie IS called "the last crusade" tho so maybe the stuff about indy being evil was srs
even tho it was in with a lot of phonily srs stuff

so back to the
summary of the plot

there was a boat on the portugese coast
it was a big boat
that was for shipping things I think
harrison ford was on this boat and the robbers who were trying to steal that cross in the beginning (and failed)
and who got it back from indy via trickery
were on it too
I forget who was there first but probably the robbers
and indy stole the cross back from them
and put it in a museum at his university

the boat scene had lots of water
re: there was a storm
the waves were going up onto the "deck" (maybe the poop one I don't know)

turns out it was not the poop deck

and knocking people around

then there was a ferry in
--guess where--
I think I know what "ferry" means but maybe not
you can watch the movie to check if you don't believe me
if you find out that it isn't a ferry please tell me so that I can edit this post re: want to make sure it has scholarly value and is citable
anyway the ferry was
p. small
and indy was on it
then he got off it

next boat scene: also in venice, iirc
the city of boats
there were some guys wearing fezes who were trying to protect the hol wait no they weren't they were collaborating with the nazis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! those assholes! it's hard to tell who is doing what because p. much every character in these movies who isn't an "M.C." or a german is from somewhere in the middle east
and they all look the same to me
except that fat guy, who is unmistakable

so these
ASSHOLES in fezes
working for the NAZIS
are chasing indy and this dame who turns out to be a nazi (spoilers)
in boats
I believe the technical term is
"motor boats"
and indy is also driving a boat

"indy!", the nazi dame asks, "do you know how to drive a boat?"
"sure", says indy, "just not how to land one!"

there is a
miscommunication that
leads the broad
who is driving the boat at this point
to drive the boat between two gigantic titanic-sized boats that are getting pushed together by a tugboat
I say titanic-sized not because I
think they were actually as big as the titanic
from what I hear
sounds p. big
but because they are
not motorboats
not canoes
they are
at least the same
type of boat
as the titanic
actually maybe not
it was a cruise shit right? [Revising this blog post I found that I typoed "ship" as "shit" but imo the idea of taking a "cruise" is so ridiculous and disgusting that I'm going to leave it. -Ed.]
maybe these were
war ships or something
re: this movie is set during WWII
imo if you were to squint tho
you would think
"maybe this is a couple of titanics. I'd need to stop squinting to be sure"

the big boats are getting pushed together
just like moses
the tugboat lets indy and the nazi broad squeeze through
crushes the fez guys (possibly egyptians??!?!??!?!) who were chasing them

but we haven't heard the last of the fez guys yet
there is
one of them left
indy grabs him
holds him in front of a giant propeller that's on the back of a boat (and spinning)
the boat they're on
is getting
chopped up by that same propeller
which is
slowly pulling the boat in closer

indy is like
"you idiot! tell me where my dad is [indy's dad was kidnapped by nazis. -Ed.] or I will shove your head into this propeller!"
then the fez bro is like
"heh, indy. if you do that, it will pull us in and we will both die. you don't believe in religiony stuff even though in the first movie you found the ark of the covenant and were there when it melted/blew up the nazis and in the second movie there were those magical glowing stones that saved the village and that poison stuff that turns people into zombies and that guy who could magically pull your heart out but also keep you alive and atm you are searching for the holy grail. my soul is prepared to die............... what about yours?!?!??!?!??! (via riding heavenwaves)"
and indy is like "ACK!" and pulls the guy back

(he then gets the info he wanted just by asking the guy normally, iirc)

indy and his dad are escaping nazis and

there are lots of lil motorboats at a dock on some river
and this is when seancon says:
"great, more boats"
they don't even boat in them!
indy tricks the nazis by sending off one boat without anyone in it
indy and his dad run in a different direction while the nazis are like "ack! they are getting away in that lil boat! let's follow them!!!!!" so they get in a boat like the goosestepping morons they are and are about to start puttputtputting after the unmanned boat but then they realize they've been duped

then there is
a huge
chase/fight scene thing
really long
really boring
nothing that happens has anything to do with
and there wasn't anything special about where they were fighting (just a road and some wide open space with dirt, p. much)
could be
lit anyone having this lame chase/fight
indy uses his whip once in an unimportant way
iirc it was
just to
hit a guy a single time
and also he is
hanging on2 a tank's gun by his bag's strap
but that's it
could have punched the guy or thrown anything instead of using the whip
could have hung on2 the tank's gun by the collar of his jacket or his belt or anything
those are
the only two tiny things that have anythnig to do with indy and his brand in this whole fight scene that was like 30 mins or something
and it was all goofy too and not in a funny way
as bad as the first fight scene in the temple of doom, goofiness and unfunninesswise
and any time anyone gets saved from dying it's just by luck
everyone could have been blindfolded and earplugged and things would still have happened how they did in this gay fight scene
would be
just as exciting if
the nazis died one by one of spontaneous combustion
really the
worst thing in any of the indiana jones movies
this scene makes me not want to watch this movie again
even tho I'd watch the first two again
even tho this one is mostly better than those

while I was watching the movie I wrote:
"you call this archaeology?" -sean connery
in here. think this is the only note I took that wasn't boat-related or the name of river phoenix
but I can't remember what it was re:

imo it was probably some bro stealing something
not putting it in a museum
or maybe it was
indy doing something actiony
and his father
who is a booklearning bro
and is schocked whenever indy kills someone
was like
"wtf?!?!?! I thought you were an archaeologist! why are you jumping around and whipping bros?!?!?!?!? I know so little about you via having been so distant"
but I think it was maybe
seancon complaining about
the guy who led indy on this quest for the holy grail
iirc someone (maybe indy or his dad) was like
"you nazi asshole! why are you helping the nazis get eternal life!??!?!"
and the bro was like
"heh. yeah right. fuck nazis. I just want this grail because it is v. ownage re: it is an old and important thing. only doing this with nazis because they are helping me get to it more easily."
this is when
seancon was like
"not exactly 'archaeology', imo......."

still don't know why
I would have thought that it was worth writing down
now I think it might have been said @ indy
because that would fit in with the
thing I was talking about earlier re: $.$. thinking that indy is as bad as a robber

n e way

indy goes thru sum boobie traps (and I'm NOT talking about the nazi babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
what an idiot
throws sand on this invisible bridge to show where it is
even tho
he knows exactly where it is
and could easily find it again just by moving his head a bit to the side
re: it's only invisible via an optical illusion

anyway I don't care about things like that ldo
he made it so that the
nazi who was following him
didn't have to solve the puzzle
and could easily get 2 the grail
(don't care about this either)

so he
goes to the room with the grail
the nazi wait he's not a nazi I shouldn't have been calling him a nazi he's just the archaeologist who was working with the nazis to find the holy grail

there is a table full of cups
(potential grails)
most of them are fake
if you drink from a fake one
instead of living forever
shrivel up in a p. cool stop motion way

so the nazi bitch (she was there too, and she is partway a good guy!!!!)
was like
archaeologist bro
it is obvs this goblet right here *winks at indy*"
(it is a grail that looks just like the most generic holy grail u could imagine)
and the archaeologist bro is like

(fucking moron it wasn't even a real holy grail!!!!)
and he drinks from it and shrivels

then indy tries to find the real cup
and either he or the nazi broad is like
"aha! *this*, this right here, *this* is the cup of a carpenter!"
re: it looks really shabby and maybe like wood
(even tho the inside of it is obvs gold. there was another cup on the table that was like a big bowl and was totally dull all over and looked like v. tarnished bronze or clay or something, a much better candidate for Carpenter's Cup)

blah blah blah indy drinks it his dad, who was shot, drinks it and there is a joke about how indy is named after a dog

are there boats in the crystal skull?!?!?!??!?
I'll have 2 watch it and find out.

re: this blogpost

is it the longest one yet? (I could measure this via wordcount technology or just by looking at it and comparing it to the others)
is there not enough boat stuff for a blogpost on a sailing movie blog?
are you disturbed by the complete lack of sails in this movie? should I stick to movies with legit sails?
should I do some gimmicks
wait I'll do a gimmick right now

best line of the movie: "you call THAT archaeology?!?!?!?!" -Sir Sean Connery
hottest babe in the movie: nazi chick
fattest arab in the movie: that fat arab guy
"I can't believe that slipped past the censors!": indy and his dad both have sex with the same woman! sick!
anachronism alert: the guy who was in the grail room was supposed to be from the middle ages but he spoke in contemporary english, just with a british accent! get real, spielberg!
worst accent of the movie: harrison for impersonating a scottish laird. I JUST DIDN'T BUY IT!
from the "WHAT were they THINKING?" files: you filmed the young indy part of the movie in COLOUR, spielberg?!?!?!? I would have loved to have seen some black and white, and I know I'm not alone! SOME of  us can handle the avant-garde and actually APPRECIATE being challenged! nice to see that you GOT THE HINT by the time you filmed Schindler's List.
most romantic kiss: indy and the nazi chick in her room. can you say "HOT"?!

think this might be the
least readable and most worthless blogpost yet on this blog
imo this is maybe only because I
didn't post the one I'd written about Dead Ringers
when I was
worried that I was about to run out of sailing movies and had to abandon ship
it was such a horrible blogpost you wouldn't have believed it

I only have 1 picture in this post so far, which is maybe why it seems unusually horrible to me
they all seem
unusually horrible
before I add pictures
(yep that's right, ALL of them.)
which is always at the end
except for
the one picture I already put in this one
which is
a picture of the movie's poster
and maybe I did that with the others
I certainly
*make* any pictures myself
via screencaps or photoshops
before writing the post

whenever I
look at a long thing on the internet
without pictures
eyes cross
have to
break this shit up with tons of pix
u, the reader, will die
and also I will
never want to look at this post again
imo don't really want to do screenshots tho this time
my comp retarted itself to install sum updates
(thank you blogger for saving shit every once in a while!!!!!!!!! xoxoxox)
see I
trypoed "restarted" as "retarded" up there [I noticed while revising this blog post that I typoed "typoed", but imo this blog post is "tripe" so I'm leaving it. -Ed.]
but imo
that is how I feel about this shit
retarded that
this gay old vista shit (I don't know if it does this with windows 7) restarts damn comps and loses all the shit I had going on
shame on you, "Dollar" Bill Gate$

my comp restarted itself to install updates
that closed vlc which is what I was using to watch the movie
don't want to bother opening it up
even tho
it would be easier than gising relevant pics

yo so I
made the pix "original size" instead of "medium", which is the size blogger makes them automatically
I guess that's what they all must have been in the other posts re: didn't know you could change the size until now
just trying to
"keep it real" here on Attack of the Sailing Movies dot Com
shit looks less fancy tho
but at least you can
read the funnie things I wrote on the pix
without squinting
that's it for this week's blog
how you all learned something about the indiana jones franchise

ok that's
not it
I just reread this blog post and
this is def worse than the Dead Ringers one
def worse than all the others
and they were bad too

I wrote this over like
3 days or something
the first day's stuff is
completely awful and annoying
the other stuff is still completely awful but less annoying
the pix are mostly awful and annoying
really worried that all my blog posts will be annoying
don't really care about them being awful tho

wtf am I doing with this blog? why would I think that I, of all people, deserve to have a blog? can't even remember how I landed this gig

imo maybe I will give myself a word limit
the word limit will be
(if I do this)
the number of words in the KON-TIKI post

no fuck word limits
can't be chained imo

I'm going to blog free or die

feel more confident about this blog than ever before

feel like a bookdeal is right around the corner

feel like a sitcom based on this blog is right around the corner

feel like a The Social Network-style  movie about the rise of this blog is right around the corner

feel like my assassination is around the corner

but until then
I blog.

No comments:

Post a Comment