Tuesday, July 12, 2011


don't know how to do a capital "e accent grave", sry yall, not going to look it up for a lot o' landlubbers like you

Look at that dog piloting a helicopter. That doesn't happen in the movie, but it could have! Because this is a zany movie! Something way better than that happens, which will be revealed at the end of this blogpost................................... so don't change that dial, imo! Really tho it will be revealed at the end because it happens at the very end of the movie. Like I would seriously tease yall like that in a crappy way. Like yall aren't able just to scroll down or something........

Anyway, this movie was in French so I don't know the plot. Hehe. Jk. I wouldn't know the plot anyway. When there is some plot in an oldish comedy movie it's usually about gangsters and someshit and none of it really matters. Lit. impossible for me to care about that stuff. Also it was in French ):

going to
"cut the crap"
with this capitalization bullshit
look at the poster
did they use capital letters in the title?
I mean
the part after "TINTIN"?
no they didn't, because the people who made this movie are chill and also French, or "français" as the French say, without capital letters.
it would be hard to show yall how chill the people who made this movie are without posting clips or mp3s. imo the best I can do technologywise is an animated gif. I just learned how to make animated gifs:

Frenchman, do they call ye? Rather "Stenchman" as called of yore!

So yo. This movie owns.
capital letters
fuck the man

it's something you could watch
without subtitles
or knowing french
which is what our foretopman did
everyone is just
falling around
breaking things
the plot doesn't matter
lots of drinking humour
drinking humour that is p. much just
"a guy drinks a lot"
animal reaction shots
goofy twins

sound effects are an international language

how could I forget:
that's right folks
there's a
boatload of boats in this movie
as you can maybe tell from the movie's poster
the movie is
ABOUT a boat!

the boat in this movie is called
la toison d'or (the golden fleece)

"why is there a boat in this movie?", you ask
well you see, folks
captain haddock, a bear, inherits it from a guy named Papanic (I think. I don't really remember his name except for the "papa")
guessing this guy was his dad
named papa-something

this guy also turns out to have a treasure chest somewhere
don't know when that was introduced re: the plot
think tho that it might be why Haddock didn't sell the boat when someone tried to buy it
have no idea

wants to sell it at first to this guy (who wants to buy it, obvs) because the boat *looks* like a piece of poo

and because the guy was offering 20 million francs, which I'm guessing is a lot of money, or at least was at the time
I'm guessing that francs aren't worth anything anymore because of the euro
does france use the euro?

you'll see why I put those asterisks around "looks" when we get to the ends of this blogpost............ so stick around, reader!!!!!!!!!!!

can't even talk about this movie
why would I talk about the plot
some people chase some people
that's it
they look for something
that's it
(the thing is treasure)
all I want to do
tell yall
all the funnie parts

haddock bro is an alcoholic who double fists wine and shit

hey that's not what I meant by "double fisting"!!!!!

don't know the order of these things so I'll just kind of do
whatever has to do with a certain bro
instead of doing this chronologically, alright

haddock is in some lil road, in a city, that is way on a slant
from the top of the road
a giant barrel of wine or rum or something starts rolling down
just like in indiana jones and the raiders of the lost ark (but that was a boulder)
and he's
looking at the barrel
"huh bluh duh brlllrlll" holding two of those bottles of wine that have baskets on the bottom I forget what you call those
then he goes
"huh bluhhhhhhhh fffufuuufuuuuuuuh muh guh"
and wanders out of the way
and it rolls down past him
then he says
"that's the first time I've ever been afraid of a barrel of [whatever the fuck]!"
you see
he usually *likes* alcohol

haddock is
inheriting the boat
and doesn't want to look for the treasure (I'm just making the plot stuff up.)
so he
yells at the picture of his father that's on the wall

This pic was kinda Foretopman Fenton's idea

and has an argument
how little he wants to do stuff
the photo
wins the argument
and then
I think a parrot squawked or something I don't know that's the sort of thing that would happen in this movie

look I
wasn't paying attention
kind of forgot I was supposed to blog about this until v. late in the movie

all the haddock gags are p. much these two things
mashed up

there is
one other notable one tho

some pirate gangster arms-dealer whatevers hop on their ship
and the main bro points a gun at haddock
backs away
grabs like
some lil wooden boaty thing shaped like a club but with a slot in the middle (the slot is not important)
and he is like
"FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
jumps onto
a crate
spins around
and the guy with a gun is like
"heh. look at this asshole. pathetic."
and then someone drops a net on haddock

gay twink
who is
really so gay you wouldn't believe it
when I first saw him I was unbelieved by how gay and what a twink this guy was
I'm sure that gay ppl have like
some kind of racist cartoons about twinks or something
and I'm guessing that
this bro looks like the
most samboey of all the racist twink cartoons

so tintin is this lil twink
he is an amazing martial artist too

he fights some bros and it is amazing
like this guy was in his room with a knife and he kungfued him and twisted the knife out of his hand
he was also flying a helicopter and some bro sneaked up behind him, not knowing who was piloting the helicopter
and tintin took off his goggles and turned around was was like
"guess who!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and the bro was like
and tintin
beat him up so bad the guy couldn't walk
even tho this guy was the main gangster pirate arms-dealer and had a gun

came back to this after a day
I'm afraid to read what I wrote
if I thought it was horribly boring while I was writing it
it must be
way worse now
ok so
I will get to the animals

the dog
turns out his name is
not minou
re: I think I called him "minou" up there (but I'm not going to check)


there are two twins in the movie
in english they're called thomson and thompson
I forget their names in french
they are masters of disguise or something
so they are v. funny
they will
dress up as italians
have an argument with an italian guy in italian, probably about spaghetti and the pope and shit like that
doesn't matter what it's about tho because
it's always great to see comedy italians yelling

PASTA FAZOOL!!!!!!! PORCO DIO!!!!!!!!!!

they also wear skirts like the faggy bros in whatever country they happen to be in at one point
probably like
I dunno
"armenia" or something like that [now that I think about it, it's probably in Turkey, where they movie is set. That guy was probably also Turkish, not Italian. Really tho they all look the same to me I don't care they're all funny -Ed.]
have no idea where armenia is
and I
don't want to know
but I bet they wear skirts there
it was just a place full of idiots wearing skirts and dancing while looking sad
jesus these people all looked so lame

another character: professeur tournesol
possibly an Oriental
via his magical potion powers and mysterious facial hair

the bro invented some kind of fuel that makes pink smoke and is
I guess
really good

the first time he appears he is blowing up tintin's house with his pink smoke fuel

just realized that
by talking about these characters
and not the plot
which I don't know anyway
we're missing out on
the sailing-related stuff
skip the rest of tournesol (there wasn't much else) but
imo it is v. important that I do this stuff for the animal characters, the stars of the show

there is a dog in this movie
who is white and small
think this dog might be called some kind of a "terrier"
I know nothing about dogs tho
the dog's name in english is snowy
in french I think it might be minou
I'll call him minou

I put this picture in AFTER having written everything, so when you see what I say right under this caption, remember that shit like that usually doesn't apply to pictures because I usually put pictures in at the very end. The only pictures I put in before finishing were the poster, the farting gif, and I think the very last pic (not going to "spoil" it by describing it!)


I see I
am at the dog here
just like I thought I was
so the dog's name is milou
he could talk in the comics or think at least
but here all he does is
make me chuckle via physical comedy XD XD XD XD XD <-----me, irl

milou jumps at a parrot
rides a motorcycle

holy shit I really did a terrible job making this gif

puts out a bomb by rolling on the fuse
then he
catches fire I guess (you couldn't see the fire) and smokes tons
I think haddock
picks him up and runs outside and dunks him in a barrel
also this dog
whose name is minou
gets the camera put on him
whenever something really sillie has just happened
unfortunately he doesn't make a whining sound
or cover his face with a paw

the parrot
got jumped @ by minou
the parrot squawks things sometimes
but I can't tell what he's saying
I think he
mostly makes fun of people tho
I think the parrot belonged to the guy who left haddock the boat
the best thing that happens with the parrot is
in the end
professeur tournesol invents an amazing invention
mini helicopter!
the parrot gets in
and flies it
even tho a
parrot doesn't need a helicopter to fly

that seemed v. obvious to me while watching the movie
we humans
and shit
even tho we can
travel on land via walking

maybe the parrot wants to travel v. long distances
maybe he's too tired to fly via flapping wings
maybe he
wants to carry a few small things with him
who am I
to judge

anyway this
blog post is a total failure
I'll have to fix it in post
via adding images
maybe I'll have to keep making gifs, since they're superior to pictures
even tho they take way longer and we're a little tight on money here at attackofthesailingmovies.blogspot.com


should talk about boats here
I forget what I've already said about boats in this blogpost
if I repeat myself
don't make a big deal out of it
it's just a blog
I don't want to read this shit again [turns out I have to read it again anyway to check for typos! ack! I'm doing this right now! -Ed]
either I read this whole damn post again
or you read
a few lines about boats
a bloo bloo bloo ( ') ( ')
the boats in this movie look really nice
this movie is from the 60s
but I think it might be set earlier
don't know if they could have afforded to swap out all the boats in the harbour for period boats tho

so these boats look
p. much like the boat versions of cars from the late 50s
never seen
such crazy boats in my whole irl
I'll add pictures and then I'll see what they look like again and then maybe talk about them in the captions

HAVE I DROWNED AND GONE TO BOAT HEAVEN?!?!?!?! Anyway, these boats maybe aren't as stylish as I thought they were, but they are def the most stylish in all the movies that have been blogged here so far except for Dead Calm and Kon-Tiki. They are at least v. charming!


whoa!!!! those are some serious boats!!!!!!

the main boat tho looked like shit
but really it was the most valuable boat of them all!
turns out that the treasure (which I mentioned earlier) was actually
the boat!!!!!
they had the treasure all along but thought it was a piece of poop!!!!!!!!
truly some wise truth right there................................................................................................................................................................
who knew hergé was a philosopher!!!!!!!

yeah the
boat had railings made of gold
forget what the railings are called
I hope they are
"gunwales" seems to be a word according to the spell check thing in chrome
there are
so many boat words
it's hard to
keep them all straight
and they don't make any sense
you would expect the "poop deck" to be
a pack of novelty playing cards with pictures of poop on them instead of pictures of hot naked babes
but really it's just some kind of floor on the back of a boat
and don't get me started on

it seems like
this kind of boat
runs on a fuel like
gasoline or something
some asshole member of the crew double crossed them and poured out a bunch of it
and haddock said they only had half as much fuel as they needed
(luckily they were able to use professeur chinaman's magic potion to get all the way to wherever they were going)

our foretopman asked me this:
"which boat is better, o captain my captain? the Toison d'Or or the one in Dead Calm?"
I tapped my pipe or w/e ppl do with pipes
answered that
I prefer the toison d'or
re: it's
more authentic
yachts are just for
rich ppl who want to flounce around on the low seas being all flimsy and gay while drinking stuff that's not grog, and not even straight out of the bottle

the toison d'or
is a boat that actually had a legit purpose re: shipping shit at one point

now I
think I might go the other way on this

commerce is so....
so....... coarse @D:
truly a
boat built for pleasure is

who cares if the faggots who own them atm are rich
my utopia, which I'll establish once I fall into a position of political power
will be so rich and will have such equality that
every citizen will have a yacht
and it will be what everyone will do instead of shit like soccer and basketball and whatever
basketball will be encouraged in my utopia
but soccer will be replaced by yachting
imo my grandpa sails for pleasure
he's no flimse
he's the ideal utopian grandfather
who sails for pleasure
despite not being a rich asshole
btw all the yachts in my utopia will have motors but you won't be allowed to use them unless you're in danger
everyone will get
exactly one tankful of gasoline
that will have to last them their whole lifetime
if they are such careless sailors that they need to use their gas to save themselves att and run out
or if they are
degenerates who don't believe in the principles upon which this utopia is built and think it's "OK" to just putt around via gas for pleasure
they will run out of gas
so if they ever get caught in a storm again
they will die
and this utopia will be rid of bad citizens
and will be much better off for it


I had something else to say that had to do with boats but I can't remember because I wrote everything except the last few lines last night or the day before
give me a minute here
oh hey while thinking about what I could say re: boats
I thought of
doing a gimmick list thing
like with "most romantic kiss" and stuff
to fill up the space I might lose via forgetting what I was going to say about boats
and I realized that
there was
no lil
romance thing going on
tintin doesn't kiss anyone in the end
imo this is
back in the 60s
it was still illegal in france to show two gay men kissing with their gay lips
if any experts re: historical french law could leave a comment confirming or denying that, it would be much appreciated

going to have to make up something to say about boats

I was going to talk about
being a sailor
haddock is a sailor
who has
really obviously made sailing a central part of his personal brand
he has a beard
he wears a hat I think that iirc is the usual sailory kind
or like
captainy kind
I think he smokes a pipe
he's an alcoholic
he swears (maybe not in the movie much I don't remember, but he does at least in the comics and it's like "BLISTERING BARNACLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and shit)
he wears a blue sweater which is what sailors do
the sweater has a
embroidered on it
in the middle
right under the neck
it's not a tiny thing on the side like a lacoste logo (I said "lacoste" here because the movie has a lacoste joke in it, re: the logo for the evil ganger pirate bros is a lacoste logo but red)
so this guy is a total sailor
imo could we add
obvs homosexuality to this?

this guy sails a serious boat in this movie
the kind that would
I'm guessing
be sailing for really long periods of time w/o stopping anywhere for prostitutes
so it seems like it would be a necessity

that was
really a useless paragraph
learn anything about sailors there

so I'll
halfheartedly do some gimmick stuff
since the
"haddock is a sailor" paragraph might as well not have existed

most romantic kiss: as I said before, there are no onscreen romantic kisses in this movie
from the "I can't believe that made it past the censors!" department: dunno it's a pretty "clean" movie
like maybe some idiot could complain about it having guns and knives and lots of drinking
oh also I complained during the movie about how tintin, haddock, and milou weren't wearing helmets while motorcycling
so irresponsible of the director to push this anti-helmet propaganda on the public
best costume: they all had really good costumes imo. They all looked just like the tintin characters or better. our foretopman especially liked haddock's beard
most thrilling moment: probably when tintin fought some guy in a little room, the first time tintin showed us how mentally strong his twinkstyle kungfu is
anachronism alert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: maybe the boats. I really don't know. I have no idea in which time period this shit's supposed to be set. I mean, I know it's not set in like 10000000000 bc or something, but don't know if it's from the 60s, 50s, 40s, 30s, 20s.................................
I guess helicopters existed in the time of the movie
I'm guessing helicopters weren't around in the 20s
whatever I don't care

this blogpost has definitely been a failure
the pix I'm about to add won't fix it
I am sure of this
I remember that
at the ending of my last post
I said that I felt more confident than ever about this blog
even tho the post sucked
let me tell you
don't feel confident about it anymore
re: this post was so terrible
and I don't remember how I got confident about it last time
let me tell you this too:
I lit don't care. blogging owns. fuck yall. I will watch sailing movies and blog about them until the day I die and every blog post will be useless/shit. my duty isn't to you, my contempos, but to future archaeologists, be they human, space-alien, or superintelligent/simian

a superintelligent ape

there will be a time when the future president of the world will order all dvds, blurays, and VHS tapes to be burned
and all that will be left of the great pre-NWO legacy of sailing movies will be
1 blog
and guess which blog that will be?
------>THIS BLOG<------
it may not seem much now
after decades of tireless blogging
I, foretopman fenton, drew, The Beneflops, and all our lesser workers will have compiled more info on sailing movies than you, with your pre-singularity 2011 brains, could imagine
I don't mean to toot my own foghorn
I've got to say that
almost everything being done in the world today is totally worthless compared to this

you know
I feel more confident about this blog
than ever

In conclusion
this was a really great movie
great for the whole family
yall should watch it imo
even if you don't know any french you can watch it without subz because the plot doesn't matter at all and only the phys. comedy matters

check the StarBoard:

Wow! Four stars! Truly a stellar movie ;)

see yall round
trying to think of
nautical expression here
sell yall round
round uh
the wind always be
blowing at your
sails, folks

anchors aweigh!

[EDIT ALERT!: I changed "thing" to "think" in the second last paragraph (because I happened to read the ending of this post again). telling yall this via Dogme 95]

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

okay this movie is called dead calm and its a drama

easter egg i noticed: you can see that the sea itself is calm

hi i'm reviewing a movie called dead calm!

right now our "captain" timefishblue is researching the next exciting movie featuring sailing! He's off in the "pacific", sailing up a good review!

Everytime I go on the "poop deck" (that is what we call the internet) checking mr fishblue's emails, there are tons sayin stuff like

"give us more"
-sarah javis, quebec, canada

"your [sic] better than conan"
-sandro brisebois, san domenico soriano, italy

"why aren't there more of these posts"
-teitur magnason, hofsós, iceland

we're always making new blog posts down here at the "sailboat", but these things take time.

Our "captain" (he really is our captain though) called me on the phone this morning! This is an excellent chance to use our patented phone transcript technology. We've been sitting on this pretty thing for quite a while now!

this isn't what i wanted but the picture man doesn't speak english i think? or he is rude

Foretopman Fenton: Hello, You've reached Attack of the Sailing Movies, Award-Winning International Multisensory Blog.

Mr. TFB: Look kid, revenue's down. Way down. We need a new post, see? Or we're sunk, SUNK, you hear me?! Get it in by three, or you'll be getting out! Out on the street. You're young, single, just floating around and living it up. Me? I got a family to feed, bub!

Foretopman Fention: Oh my gosh, hello sir!

Mr: TFB: I'll be honest with you. I got us into a tight place. I blew most of our budget on the Last Crusade post. And the special effects guy, Manny Whatshisface, really went to town on it. It was a fiasco.
No more .pngs. It's .gifs--NOT animated--until we're in the black.
Get it done. [Hangs up]

Foretopman Fenton: right away!

so that is why i am reviewing a movie called dead calm.

i'm really sorry this isn't what i wanted at all

dead calm features stars such as Sam Keil and Nicole Kidman and Billy Zane.

I remember Nicole Kidman was in a movie called The Stepford Wives!
The Stepford Wives was a movie about wives that became robots. I wasn't allowed to see it though. It's okay because i understand there are very few sailing scenes and there were scary parts? I think. I will confirm this fact later.

so you are probably wondering: was Nicole Kidman a wife in this feature? she is! She is married to John Ingram.

In this paragraph I will give the main summary. An Australian couple take a sailing trip in the Pacific to forget about a terrible accident. While on the open sea, in dead calm, they come across a ship with one survivor who is not at all what he seems.

Sounds crazy, right?? I know!

I think it's pretty good! The movie is about how when you're in the middle of nowhere, there is nowhere to hide. I think this is a really good lesson.

imagine a picture of one of the stars giving a "thumbs up" here
I award this film 7 out of 7 sailboat sails. The drama is almost too much at times! But it never is and you'll like it.

the end