Friday, July 6, 2012


Project A

This is the best movie I've ever seen.
I feel bad about having put Swiss Family Robinson in the top 20 (or whatever I said) movies I've ever seen. Maybe it's in the top 40 or 50 or something. There are lots of good movies.

There is no way tho that Project A is not the best movie I've ever seen. It is better than Jurassic Park, and the last time I watched Jurassic Park was just a couple of weeks ago or something.

It's a movie starring Jackie Chan, directed by Jackie Chan, and written by Jackie Chan.

It's a sailing movie with coast guards and pirates.

Jackie Chan was a coast guard but some evil rich kid turned all of the coast guard bros into lowly policemen because he wanted to make a sneaky deal with some pirates. He wanted to sell 100 police rifles to the pirates.

Usually I don't care about and can't pay any attention to plotty stuff in comedy/action movies, re: it's always just some gangsters talking to each other in order to set up funny or actiony scenes that were probably thought up before they tied them all together with some stupid gangster plot anyway.

I sort of paid attention to the plotty stuff in this movie tho because it was good (afaict). Jackie Chan has turbble with everyone, and he works with a fat thief because whatever they do benefits both of them. Jackie Chan has to trick everyone att incl. his thief partner and it's great.

Good lord there couldn't be a better genre than kung fu comedy.

I'm writing this post in a weird way because I feel weird about this perfect movie. I'm trying to keep myself from getting too gay about it.

The emperor of Japan wanted Jackie Chan to make a sequel and Jackie Chan made a sequel. It is such a good movie.

I'm just going to write about some gags and stunts and gagstunts and boats.

want a game that uses this board

and music starts playing

Actually, the gags and stunts are way too hard to turn into decent pix. imo this movie is so good that I'm just going to have to "recommend" it so that you can watch it and get a thousand gags and stunts in video form.

I'll just post about boats for the rest of this post.

There was a boat that got blown up early on but I don't want to bother finding it.

they've been going in the wrong direction for 3 days. and it doesn't look like they have any food or water.

 I think that's all of the boats. What variety. What a coincidence that the best movie I've ever seen also has so many different kinds of boats.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Titanic: Adventure Out of Time!

Today, we're proud to announce that we are making history: we're expanding our horizons, and reviewing a video game!

Kind of an awkwardly phrased title, if I'm honest. It's not Titanic Adventure: Out of Time, just Titanic: Adventure Out of Time. Is the subtitle meant to be an order? That seems rude.

 This is a pretty mysterious game, I must say. I've known it was on my computer for quite some time. I even mentioned reviewing this thing to Tommy a few months ago. But I don't remember downloading it. I've had this netbook for, like, half a year. I'm pretty sure I'd remember getting this. But I don't! Maybe it came preinstalled. Who knows.

That being said, let's get started!


My computer crashed. The thing started flashing different shades of yellow, and then it completely turned off.

This is just like one of those haunted games you hear about. The ones that appear all mysteriously, and turn out to be all screwed up, with people's faces missing and all the text being changed to "666". I would go to the ends of the earth to make a review, but I'm not messing with ghosts.


I hate to be harsh, but quite frankly, this could have been better. I didn't see a single boat.

Monday, May 14, 2012


This post is about the movie "Swiss Family Robinson".

It's a shipwreck movie but it still has lots of sailing, a variety of boats, a variety of sails.

I think it has all three types of sail that I've talked about before: the latin (lateen?!?!) sail, the square sail, and the other kind whose name I forget. Yes, as you can see from the poster, there are some azn bros in this movie and they have that third type of sail. I don't know whether there are lots of different old tyme azn boats, so I'm just going to call their boat a "junk" because it's the only one I know of. But this comes later!

This movie is really a way ownage movie. I liked it a lot and it was really exciting. I think that anyone would like this movie. Even someone like you.

Why, I think that this movie could be in my top 30 re: movies I've seen. Maybe top 20 or 15. It was really good.

I haven't seen a lot of recent movies but almost all of them were movies that were supposed to be exciting and Swiss Family Robinson makes them all look like total shit.

n e way, it took a long time for me to figure out whether these people are from Switzerland or whether Swiss is just their last name. Like, the Robinson could have been their last name or it could have just been in the title because of Robinson Crusoe, like when people would add shit like "THE NEW HELOISE" to the titles of their books. "Swiss Family, The New Robinson (Crusoe)".

the parents have british accents
their kids have american accents
there isn't anything about them that seems really swiss
but I don't know anything about switzerland

when they make funny hats for a sillie racing party thing, the dad makes a hat that someone in a joke about leiderhosen and mountainclimbing would wear, so maybe that's a swiss thing. I hear that the swiss have "Alps".

The kids are named Francis (youngest)
Ernst (middle)
and Fritz (oldest)

"Francis" doesn't seem like a swiss name, I don't think. Maybe "ernst" does. "Fritz" seems swiss. Look at what I'm doing here. First letter in a sentence is caps but then nothing else.

They talk about how they're going to a colony in new guinea. I assumed it would be british but I don't know what the swiss did back then maybe they had colonies in new guinea. hey, maybe "guinea" is another word for "switzerland"! I really don't know! I am this stupid!

at christmas the dad says "happy christmas" like a british bro but the kids say "merry christmas"

the dad said that carrying a bride over a threshold is a "swiss tradition". I couldn't tell there whether he meant a family tradition (the Swiss family) or a switzerland tradition. the mother laughed after he said this so it seemed like a joke. I think that it's a tradition in lots of places so the switzerland one doesn't seem more likely than the family one for a joke.

the only thing that made me certain that they're from switzerland is that ernst was talking about some guy at an academy who was called Herr Kobel (Kobol?!?!?!?!?!??!?! is he mormon/some scifi bro?!?!?!)
I don't know what swiss people speak but Herr isn't something that british ppl or americans would say.

I saw (accidentally) on wikipedia that they're supposed to be from switzerland.

I don't know what the Swiss flag looks like.

I still don't know whether robinson is their last name or just a ref to robinson crusoe.

this family is on a boat
there are some pirates somewhere
everyone on the boat but the family leaves because they're afraid of pirates
there's a storm and the boat crashes into some rocks

there are lots of animals on the boat

the family builds a raft made of tubs and uh logs or beams or whatever big pieces of wood would be on a boat

the kids try to save 2 dogs
I think they are "great danes" because they look like marmaduke and I think that marmaduke was supposed to be a great dane

the dad says to leave the dogs on the boat because they're too heavy
when they leave on the raft, Francis tells the dogs to jump off the boat and swim to him and they do

the raft can barely hold the family up
they are baling the tubs out tons
the storm gets scarier and the dad feels bad for the dogs so he lets them come on
francis almost killed his whole family

when they get to the island
francis runs off into the jungle
and his mom says
francis keeps almost dying

there's some tiger nearby but he goes away

the dad says:
"First thing we've got to do is to, uh, unload the raft, and then, uh, put up some sort of shelter for the night."

the mom says:
"not the first thing..."
and then the makes him pray with her

later on the stupid little boy francis is saying "I wouldn't hurt you!" to an elephant and trying to get it to come over to him
he has a trap set for the elephant
I don't know what to call traps
so I'll call this a "snare" and hope I'm right

the elephant steps in a loop of rope
the boy pulls on the other end and makes it close up around the elephant's leg
so now the elephant is tied to a tree by his leg

and a tiger comes!
the stupid boy starts throwing sticks and stones or whatever at the tiger and tells it to stay away from the elephant
his mom comes with the two dogs and the two dogs fight the tiger
the two dogs were legit fighting the tiger
this is a real thing that happened and they filmed it
can't blv it!

this movie has
ridiculous things going on
that people filmed
things that are
way dangerous and maybe cruel
and that no one would do nowadays
later on fritz wrestles a snake in the water
I was like "welp I guess it's a dead snake it looks too good to be a fake one"
not only was it
a real snake
it was alive!!!!!!
re: at one point during the right it stretches its neck up

they ride an ostrich too
I remember there being a thing on the internet a while ago about how dangerous it is to ride ostriches
how they'll kill you and stuff
all the males of the family were
riding the ostrich
pulling each other off so that they could have a turn
and shit
it was
v. scary

there's also a part where huge fake logs roll over a bunch of people down a hill
which seemed scary even tho they're fake
and there were explosions around people
oh also the lil stupid gets dragged a lot by some animal I think it was the ostrich
dragged by a rope
along the ground
and it was def him for, like half of it (and I don't think that the ostrich was shown during these parts, so maybe it was just some people pulling him)
re: could see his face
for the other half it was maybe a stunt double but it was still a person
getting dragged

n e way
they build
a really great treehouse
as good as the stuff from The Mosquito Coast.

They even have a "cooler" which I guess is something that looks like a fridge but has canvas walls that are so thin that you can see through them
and there was a barrel above it but I don't know whether the barrel was part of the cooler

the cooler had flowers in it and some food

doubt it was v. "cool"

there was a nice hammock
there was a sink made out of a tortoise shell
there was a skylight that you open up by pulling on a gigantic rope with a gigantic tassel that I halfthought (only half because this is a disney movie and I wasn't sure what they would allow in it) was going to be some sort of sex device, re it was dangling above the parents' bed and the mom seemed pretty excited about it even tho she didn't know what it did yet

the stupid little kid wanted to swing in the hammock (which is really high up in the air)
and the mother recognized this kid's stupidity and said that he could only do it if his brother tied a rope around his (the stupid little kid's) waist
and of course the stupid little kid falls off the hammock
(I think he was trying to reach a monkey)

one of the best things about this movie is that it has
tons of different animals in it
like the monkey I was just talking about
this is a really stupid reason to like a movie but
there is no denying that having a bunch of different animals in a movie makes it better
re: they are just nice/interesting things to look at
I hope that this doesn't sound like a zany thing (like people pretending to care about shark week)
or a
kind of fake twee thing
I mean it more like
it's good for a movie to have lots of
weirdlooking people in it
but here it's animals instead of people
(the people in this movie all look p. boring, so you can't enjoy looking at them very much)

it would be ok to watch this movie without sound
even tho it doesn't look good in any artsy way
just because it has
lots of nice animals in it
doing interesting things
so you can see
a tortoise getting lassoed and towing a boat
a tiger falling into a tiger trap
a zebra stuck in mud
a monkey grabbing a banana out of ernst's pants
a pig getting pulled by the ears
a snake swimming around

the two older brothers, ernst and fritz, want to go sailing around the island to see whether it's really an island (turns out it is an island)
they build a canoe with a pontoon on the side
I think that this boat has a latin sail
I'll see whether I'm right when I go thru the movie for pix

I drew this after media players stopped working for me, but before I found out that Swiss Family Robinson is on youtube. Turns out I had the sail k. wrong but I think it's still "lateen".

while they're building the boat
they talk about GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, these boys are GIRL CRAZY!!!!
one says that they hope that there are some girls their age in new guinea
the other says "by the time we get to new guinea, we won't care what age they are!"
and they laugh a lot

before this stuff I think
some pirates attack them while they're on the crashed boat trying to pick stuff off it

and they only have one shot via the cannon so they have to wait for the pirates to get close
the dad tries to find some wadding for the cannon and picks up a piece of cloth and is like "O:!!!!" and runs away
the kids are like
"where's he going?!?!?!?!"
then the pirates leave
and the kids are like
"why did the pirates leave?!?!?!?!"
and it turns out
the piece of cloth that the dad found
was a quarantine flag
that tells ppl that
your boat has the Black Death on it

why doesn't
everyone use that flag
when they're getting attacked by pirates?!?!?!?!

n e way
the bois go
they see some pirates
so they are like "let's hide behind these rocks!"
so they
crash their canoe into the rocks ( ') ( ')

then they see that an old guy and a cabin "boy" (YOU'LL SEE WHY I PUT SCARE QUOTES AROUND "BOY" SOON ENOUGH!!!)
have been captures by the scary azn pirates

the bois free the cabin "boy" but don't have time to free the old man
but that's ok because the azn pirates need to old man to write a ransom letter for them
(they can't write english!)
so they won't hurt him
the bois and the cabin "boy" make an exciting escape
the two main things that happen in this movie during the actiony scenes:
-people duck down and people pass by the ducking people w/o seeing them
-one person distracts a foe while another person sneaks up on the foe from behind
and this stuff happens a lot during the escape
not really worth
explaining everything that happens here
it's all the same

the bois make fun of the cabin "boy" for being girly

I could have got a funnie pic of the cabin "boy" grabbing "his" own ass, but no media players are working for me anymore
"he" was like "oh no! I can't go another step!"
"his" ass hurt too much

the three of them have to cross a river
the bois are like "take off all of your clothes so they don't get wet!"
and the cabin "boy" is like D:::::

and grabs a gun and is like
"I'm leaving! Don't come after me or I'll shoot!"
the bois do the distracting and sneaking thing I was talking about
and one of them catches the cabin "boy" and pulls off "his" toque
then he's like
(I guess just because he
saw her hair)
and then she says that her grandpa cut her hair to look like
boy hair
so that the
pirates would
think she's a boy
I guess her grandpa did a really shitty job cutting her hair to make it look boyish

when they get back to the treehouse
it's christmas
and the mom dresses the girl up and the family + the girl dance
the bois are competing for her
and playing stupid tricks on each other
( ') ( ')
fritz put a banana in ernst's beltloop and stuck a monkey on him
and was like
"SINCE ERNST ALREADY HAS A PARTNER........... HEHEHEHEH" and starts dancing with the girl
oh I just remembered her name:
she's british
says "roberter" hehehehh


everyone builds a bunch of stupid traps for the pirates
like a pit with a tiger in it
and make pirate alarms
and coconut bombs
and make a big pile of logs on top of a hill that they can release
so that they roll down and crush pirates

francis almost falls into the tiger pit (before the tiger was in it)
he also lit a coconut bomb when he was told not to, and almost blew up

roberta asks fritz to teach her how to fire a rifle
and he does
that thing where he
gets behind her
and they eventually kiss

roberta had said earlier that ernst would look good in a tall hat
like they wear in london
so he made a tall hat out of some leafy stuff I dunno
and comes down to show it to roberta

fritz and roberta think that the hat's stupid
everyone else hates it too

ernst and fritz have a fight over roberta
fritz steps on ernst's tall hat

the dad sees the fight and is like
"I've been working you all too hard! we need to have fun tomorrow! we're going to have some gay race"

they have a gay race
and it's really great
especially roberta riding the zebra, which is a v. kewl thing
something that I think'll be especially memorable to me for some reason
some broad laughing riding a zebra in some stupid dress
with flowers on her hat
racing against an ostrich and a monkey on a dog
also the fast motion part with the ostrich going around a pole is really great
the race starts about 10s in:

(as you can see, I've found swiss family robinson on youtube, so it doesn't matter that media players aren't working for me)

as you can
from what happens at the end of the race
if you watched some of the video and got that far
they pirates find them!

they have a big stupid fight with the pirates
it's a
Home Alone sort of thing
and it's
less boring than the big fights at the ends of movies usually are

they release a pile of logs
and the littlest kid says "there's a man getting squashed!"

the pirate captain yells at the family + cabin girl: "you make Farrah fight long time!" (I don't know how to spell his name but that's how it sounded)
these pirates barely talk in the movie
one of the only things he says in the movie is an
"I love you long time"-style thing

at least he was
a real azn bro and
not a white bro in makeup, I guess........................

the pirates retreat
and while they're retreating a british ship comes and blows them up
and the ship comes to rescue the family + cabin girl
(really squeezing everything in there)
the cabin girls's grandfather's ship!

the grandfather has donated a lot of money to some university in london
so he says that he can get ernst in as a favour (this is how things work, ppl!!!!)
you see
ernst really wanted to go to a university in london
which is something that I
should have mentioned earlier to set this up
or maybe I shouldn't have because who cares

the mother
who wanted to leave
(I should have mentioned that earlier)
decides to stay
on the island
and set up a colony
the cabin girl's grandfather says that the dad will probably be governor of this new colony
(is this how it works!?!?!??!)

the cabin girl decides to stay on the island with fritz

I think that's all that happens