Sunday, February 20, 2011


So I watched Mosquito Coast a while ago, and it features q. a bit of sailing.

I was origie. going to make a post about some other movie oh yeah it was THE AFRICAN QUEEN but I can't even remember if I watched the whole thing. It was too boring to deserve a prestigious post spot on my blog, "Attack of the Sailing Movie!".

But I warn yall: the following post about MOSQUITO COAST is p. much just a long summary of the movie with no interesting extra things, much like the KON-TIKI post. There isn't even much about sailing in this post. Maybe I should "analyse" the next sailing movie I watch and write some kind of "essay". I also warn yall that this is written in a v. annoying and bloggy voice, and that I think I should stop capitalizing every letter in names next time I make a post.

Now on2 the post:

Let me try to remember the sailing events:

-on a boat (NON-SAIL) to the MOSQUITO COAST (a real place, it seems)
-on the black guy's boat (possibly had a sail but also had a motor)
-on the black guy's new boat (his first one was destroyed so he got a new one by trading a watch, which the main character gave him, for it)
-on a house that turned into a besailed raft when things got really rainy

There might have also been some boats collecting ice blocks but I don't remember.

Anyway, I think all this stuff makes this qualify as a sailing movie.



It's about some guy who is kind of like my uncle except more competent. I have no idea what I would call this bro's politics, but I am sure they are "sOoOoOo crazy". He h8s America (or loves it too much!!!!). He also hates China. He likes the Mosquito Coast tho. He hates "welfare queens" but also loves helping poor people and doesn't seem to be racist (except near the end when he calls the black guy with the boat a "savage"). I swear, he has tons of black friends! All of his friends are black! I swear! Oh yeah, back to the savage thing, he hates savages but wants to be as savage as possible. What a zany-ass bro! He's also an atheist who hates religion so much that he burned down a church (via riding norwegian black metal waves). The bro loves science, but also hates all technology. This guy is a "walking contradiction" (via (let me google this) Green Day).

"It's about some guy who is kind of like my uncle except more competent."

Liberal? Conservative? "Libertarian"? SoooOOOooOOOoOooo confused! This movie is from the 80s I think so maybe things were different then.

So this bro invents a magical machine that turns water into ice using only fire (isn't this how freezers already work? Like, some bros burn coal somewhere, the electricity goes to your house, and then into your freezer, and it freezes water? N E way...)

He hates what is happening to the America he once loved (re: welfare queens taking it over) so he forces his family to go to the Mosquito Coast. On the way they meet a missionary family with a "haute gurlie" with which the main kid (RIVER PHOENIX) can fall in "love". While travelling there, they are on a boat, but the boat isn't very important. Just a way for the chars. to meet/talk to each other while travelling, and for the "haute gurlie" and the RIVER PHOENIX to be able to have some "alone time", I guess (which couldn't really happen on a plane). I think they really missed some good boat-related opportunities. Actually, they did take advantage of the whole "being out in the sun" thing that you get with a boat, re: they had the main family cover their noses in thick sunscreen, making them look like white-ass corny idiots who aren't reddie to live in the jungle.

BTW, on the boat, the "haute girlie" says to RIVER PHOENIX: "I think about you when I go to the bathroom."

They end up living in the jungle because HARRISON FORD bought a town, becoming its mayor (I didn't know you could do that), but it turned out to be not much of a town (i.e. 3 lil shacks in the jungle), to the dismay of his family, which hates him.

They work tons re: turning it into a decent town, and it ends up being some kind of tree house paradise thing with sillie colourful inventions doing fun things. Everyone is sooooooooo happie, but then the missionary dad, whom HARRISON FORD hates, comes to the town and tries to ruin it by converting its citizens. The citizens laugh him away but then one oldish woman citizen does a secret sign of the cross. The town has been infected!

HARRISON FORD builds a giant version of his ice machine (about silo size, I guess), and the natives get to see ice for the very first time (you see, it's very hot in the Mosquito Coast).

HARRISON FORD wants to go deeper in2 the jungle to give ice to some untouched savagey hut ppl. It takes a long time to carry the ice and HARRISON FORD is an asshole and the ice melts once they get to the savages, so the savages are way angry and confused. HARRISON FORD sees some non-savage captives in one of the huts and gives them advice on how to escape. The savages let HARRISON FORD and his crew leave even tho they are way angry at him. (I am calling them "savages" semi-ironically, the part that isn't semi-ronic being that I really have no idea what to call them because I don't think they were given a name in the movie and I don't know how else to compare them to the citizens who live in houses. Am I becoming HARRISON FORD?!?!?!?)

They go back to their treehouse paradise. The best citizen (I think he might have also been the black guy with the boat. I don't remember, plus they "all look the same to me" anyway. I HAVE BECOME HARRISON FORD!!!!!!!!!!) is picking tomatoes in a greenhouse and he sees a gun (someone is holding the gun) and he runs away screaming and it turns out that the gun was being held by one of the supposed captives from the hut! They weren't captives at all! They were evil bros (there are 3 of them) and they want to take over the treehouse paradise!

Trubble in paradise?!?!??!

HARRISON FORD tries to get them to leave by pretending that the treehouse paradise is infested with invisible ants and that he has to dismantle it. He tears apart most of his treehouse paradise (sooooo sad imo) but the bros don't leave. HARRISON FORD then sets up a nice room for the bros. Such a nice room! Why would he be so nice to these evil bros? The bros go to sleep and have a nice time.


Everyone thinks "You have gone too far, HARRISON FORD!" but he says "They were evil anyway, and my ice machine will give them a quick, cold death via being humane." I'm not buying it, HARRISON FORD, and neither are the citizens!

The bros wake up and get all mad and start shooting around their ice machine room. They shoot some important pipe and this makes the ice machine explode. The explosion is way big and destroys the town and poisons the river (NOT THE PHOENIX ONE. AN ACTUAL RIVER).

Everyone is sooooooo mad at HARRISON FORD and they want to go home, but Harrison Ford wants to go deeper into savagery. He strands his family on an island and tells them that America got blown up via nuclear bombs, so they can never go back. He says that they won't use any modern day newfangled technology things except for what washes ashore (it's a garbagey island via so many things washing ashore). The black guy with a boat gets mad at HARRISON FORD for being such an idiot and says that if they build a house close to the water they will drown in a storm. HARRISON FORD doesn't care and builds a house anyway. The black guy comes back in secret and sneaks the kids some gasoline and an "outboard motor" (it that what it's called?) and tells them to tell their dad that they found those things washed ashore (making them "authentic" enough to be used by HARRISON FORD). I think that by now the black guy had already bought a new boat, and HARRISON FORD was mad at him for having traded his special watch for it (even though HARRISON FORD hates watches! What a hypocrite!). The black guy's boat isn't really important. The first one is destroyed somehow, but I don't remember how. The only boat that's really important is the one that is about to appear!

"The black guy's boat isn't really important."

There is a big storm and the house starts floating away (not much of a house, btw. Sort of like a house that people would have on the TV show SURVIVOR.). The kids present HARRISON FORD with the gas and motor [TURNS OUT IT WAS A SPARK PLUG, NOT A MOTOR. -Ed.], claiming that they found them, and HARRISON FORD converts the house into a raft (with sails). It is v. ownage to watch this thing sailing in a storm, f. y. i.

The storm calms down and stuff and then the mother, HELEN MIRREN, is like "Thank god! Finally we can go somewhere decent! Let's go live with the black guy who owns a boat, since America is blown up and we can't go there!"

Then HARRISON FORD IS LIKE "Heh. Don't make me lol. We're going up-river, re: there's *life* upriver!"

He also gets mad at the kids for some reason and tows them in a tiny boat behind the main boat. The younger kid says that he wants to kill HARRISON FORD, but the older one, RIVER PHOENIX, tells him to shut up and then apologizes. They both want to kill their evil father.

While they're sailing they hear the missionary bro preaching. HARRISON FORD gets so angry that he parks the boat (I don't know what the sailing term is for that. Moors? Docks?) and says that he wants to punch the missionary in the face.

They get on the island and run into the preachy church, but the missionary bro isn't there at all! It's just a tape of him preaching being shown on a TV to a curchful of natives! [Would like to point out here that there were also natives in a church listening to something recorded, iirc, in the movie KON-TIKI, which has also been reviewed on this Blog. -Ed.] Soooooo disgusting and evil!

The kids run away and find the missionary's house and get the "haute gurlie" to meet them outside. She says that RIVER PHOENIX's hair is gross, but I disagree. He is obvs. living a no-poo lifestyle (to learn more about the benefits of a no-poo lifestyle please google "shampoo scam"), but had the misfortune of living in the 80s, a time of bad hair. If the "haute gurlie" were alive today, I am sure that she would agree with me that RIVER PHOENIX's hair was better without shampoo.

The "haute gurlie" gives the kids the key to her parents' Jeep so that they can escape their crazy dad with their mother. Meanwhile, HARRISON FORD burns down the church and his family is like "Oh god I hope it wasn't DAD who burned down that church!" and then HARRISON FORD runs up to them and is like "Heh heh heh looks like I spilled a little *points to gas can* GASOLINE!" Soooooo embarrassing, dad!

The missionary gets way mad and shoots HARRISON FORD in the chest or shoulder or something (probably shoulder re: the usual place to get shot in a movie). They put HARRISON FORD on the boat house and sail away. HARRISON FORD is dying and the kids don't want him to die anymore! He says that he can't move anything below his head (via having been shot). HARRISON FORD is like "I hope we're going upriver [which yall will remember is where he wanted to go. -Ed.]." Helen Mirren is like "Y-Yeah, sure. We're going upriver alright!" and then HARRISON FORD dies and the camera zooms out to show that they are going from the river out into the ocean, a.k.a "downriver"!

Then RIVER PHOENIX gives some kind of narration epilogue things, but when I try to remember it I can only remember Juliette Lewis's thing at the end of CAPE FEAR re: it's p. much the same thing. (Man, I should make a post about CAPE FEAR once I run out of movies with legit. sails.)

The credits thank T.S. Eliot's estate or whatever for letting them use parts of FRAGMENT OF AN AGON. Didn't even notice it while watching the movie. All I can remember is HARRISON FORD saying "I'll take you away to a cannibal isle" or however that goes. Not sure if there was any more of it in the movie.

Rating: **** (4 starfish out of 4)

So I just wrote a post about the movie MOSQUITO COAST.

How was this post? P. shitty? Still don't know how to write a blog post. Still don't know anything about "movies" or "sailing movies". I think the pictures are mostly krappie too.

Would any1 get the idea that I liked the movie if I hadn't put a starfish rating at the end? Was this post "snarkie"?

Should I get some gimmicks like "The Funniest Line in the Movie" or "Best Sailing Moment"?

Is it easier to post pictures when you're using a browser other than Chrome? Blogger is owned by Google, so that would be ridiculous, but it's more ridiculous how hard it is to post a damn picture.

Is Google trying to keep people from posting pictures?

Write your congressman.

P.S.: Watch this movie re: it owns.


  1. This is pretty ownage Tommy my boy.

  2. This is an interesting and very entertaining review of the film and I'm now thinking what it would be like to live a no-poo lifestyle. -WS