TINTIN ET LE MYSTèRE DE LA TOISON D'OR

don't know how to do a capital "e accent grave", sry yall, not going to look it up for a lot o' landlubbers like you

Look at that dog piloting a helicopter. That doesn't happen in the movie, but it could have! Because this is a zany movie! Something way better than that happens, which will be revealed at the end of this blogpost................................... so don't change that dial, imo! Really tho it will be revealed at the end because it happens at the very end of the movie. Like I would seriously tease yall like that in a crappy way. Like yall aren't able just to scroll down or something........

Anyway, this movie was in French so I don't know the plot. Hehe. Jk. I wouldn't know the plot anyway. When there is some plot in an oldish comedy movie it's usually about gangsters and someshit and none of it really matters. Lit. impossible for me to care about that stuff. Also it was in French ):

going to
"cut the crap"
with this capitalization bullshit
look at the poster
did they use capital letters in the title?
I mean
the part after "TINTIN"?
no they didn't, because the people who made this movie are chill and also French, or "français" as the French say, without capital letters.
it would be hard to show yall how chill the people who made this movie are without posting clips or mp3s. imo the best I can do technologywise is an animated gif. I just learned how to make animated gifs:

Frenchman, do they call ye? Rather "Stenchman" as called of yore!

So yo. This movie owns.
fffffff
capital letters
fuck the man

it's something you could watch
without subtitles
or knowing french
which is what our foretopman did
everyone is just
like
falling around
breaking things
the plot doesn't matter
lots of drinking humour
drinking humour that is p. much just
"a guy drinks a lot"
animal reaction shots
goofy twins
chases
etc.

sound effects are an international language

and
how could I forget:
BOATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's right folks
there's a
boatload of boats in this movie
why
as you can maybe tell from the movie's poster
the movie is
ABOUT a boat!

yep
the boat in this movie is called
la toison d'or (the golden fleece)

"why is there a boat in this movie?", you ask
well you see, folks
captain haddock, a bear, inherits it from a guy named Papanic (I think. I don't really remember his name except for the "papa")
anyway
I'm
guessing this guy was his dad
re:
named papa-something

this guy also turns out to have a treasure chest somewhere
don't know when that was introduced re: the plot
think tho that it might be why Haddock didn't sell the boat when someone tried to buy it
actually
have no idea

yo
so
anyway
he
wants to sell it at first to this guy (who wants to buy it, obvs) because the boat *looks* like a piece of poo

and because the guy was offering 20 million francs, which I'm guessing is a lot of money, or at least was at the time
I'm guessing that francs aren't worth anything anymore because of the euro
does france use the euro?

anyway
you'll see why I put those asterisks around "looks" when we get to the ends of this blogpost............ so stick around, reader!!!!!!!!!!!

god
can't even talk about this movie
like
why would I talk about the plot
some people chase some people
that's it
they look for something
that's it
(the thing is treasure)
all I want to do
is
tell yall
all the funnie parts

haddock bro is an alcoholic who double fists wine and shit

hey that's not what I meant by "double fisting"!!!!!

uh
man
don't know the order of these things so I'll just kind of do
whatever has to do with a certain bro
uh
instead of doing this chronologically, alright

haddock is in some lil road, in a city, that is way on a slant
and
from the top of the road
a giant barrel of wine or rum or something starts rolling down
just like in indiana jones and the raiders of the lost ark (but that was a boulder)
and he's
looking at the barrel
all
"huh bluh duh brlllrlll" holding two of those bottles of wine that have baskets on the bottom I forget what you call those
then he goes
"huh bluhhhhhhhh fffufuuufuuuuuuuh muh guh"
and wanders out of the way
and it rolls down past him
then he says
"that's the first time I've ever been afraid of a barrel of [whatever the fuck]!"
re:
you see
he usually *likes* alcohol

uh
oh
haddock is
mad
about
inheriting the boat
and doesn't want to look for the treasure (I'm just making the plot stuff up.)
so he
yells at the picture of his father that's on the wall

This pic was kinda Foretopman Fenton's idea

and has an argument
about
how little he wants to do stuff
but
the photo
wins the argument
and then
I think a parrot squawked or something I don't know that's the sort of thing that would happen in this movie

look I
wasn't paying attention
I
kind of forgot I was supposed to blog about this until v. late in the movie

all the haddock gags are p. much these two things
remixed
mashed up
w/e

there is
one other notable one tho

some pirate gangster arms-dealer whatevers hop on their ship
and the main bro points a gun at haddock
haddock
backs away
grabs like
some lil wooden boaty thing shaped like a club but with a slot in the middle (the slot is not important)
and he is like
"FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and
jumps onto
a crate
and
spins around
and the guy with a gun is like
"heh. look at this asshole. pathetic."
and then someone drops a net on haddock

tintin
is
a
gay twink
who is
really so gay you wouldn't believe it
when I first saw him I was unbelieved by how gay and what a twink this guy was
I'm sure that gay ppl have like
some kind of racist cartoons about twinks or something
and I'm guessing that
this bro looks like the
most samboey of all the racist twink cartoons

so tintin is this lil twink
but
he is an amazing martial artist too

he fights some bros and it is amazing
like this guy was in his room with a knife and he kungfued him and twisted the knife out of his hand
he was also flying a helicopter and some bro sneaked up behind him, not knowing who was piloting the helicopter
and tintin took off his goggles and turned around was was like
"guess who!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and the bro was like
"AAAAAAA! ANYONE BUT TIN "BLACKBELT" TIN, MASTER OF THE ART OF KILLING!!!!!"
and tintin
beat him up so bad the guy couldn't walk
even tho this guy was the main gangster pirate arms-dealer and had a gun

damn
came back to this after a day
and
I'm afraid to read what I wrote
re:
if I thought it was horribly boring while I was writing it
it must be
way worse now
D:
ok so
I will get to the animals

the dog
turns out his name is
milou
not minou
re: I think I called him "minou" up there (but I'm not going to check)

HOLY SHIT
I'M
NOT AT THE BOTTOM OF
THIS
I'M NOT WRITING AT THE END OF WHAT I WROTE
YESTERDAY
I AM
ACCIDENTALLY
WRITING
INSIDE IT
D:
OK SO
THE FOLLOWING STUFF WILL BE STUFF I WROTE LAST NIGHT
UNTIL I SAY THAT IT'S NOT

there are two twins in the movie
in english they're called thomson and thompson
I forget their names in french
they are masters of disguise or something
so they are v. funny
like
they will
dress up as italians
and
have an argument with an italian guy in italian, probably about spaghetti and the pope and shit like that
doesn't matter what it's about tho because
it's always great to see comedy italians yelling

PASTA FAZOOL!!!!!!! PORCO DIO!!!!!!!!!!

they also wear skirts like the faggy bros in whatever country they happen to be in at one point
probably like
I dunno
"armenia" or something like that [now that I think about it, it's probably in Turkey, where they movie is set. That guy was probably also Turkish, not Italian. Really tho they all look the same to me I don't care they're all funny -Ed.]
have no idea where armenia is
and I
don't want to know
but I bet they wear skirts there
it was just a place full of idiots wearing skirts and dancing while looking sad
jesus these people all looked so lame

another character: professeur tournesol
a
scientist
possibly an Oriental
via his magical potion powers and mysterious facial hair

the bro invented some kind of fuel that makes pink smoke and is
I guess
really good

the first time he appears he is blowing up tintin's house with his pink smoke fuel

man
just realized that
by talking about these characters
and not the plot
which I don't know anyway
we're missing out on
the sailing-related stuff
anyway
I'll
skip the rest of tournesol (there wasn't much else) but
imo it is v. important that I do this stuff for the animal characters, the stars of the show

there is a dog in this movie
who is white and small
like
think this dog might be called some kind of a "terrier"
I know nothing about dogs tho
the dog's name in english is snowy
in french I think it might be minou
I'll call him minou

I put this picture in AFTER having written everything, so when you see what I say right under this caption, remember that shit like that usually doesn't apply to pictures because I usually put pictures in at the very end. The only pictures I put in before finishing were the poster, the farting gif, and I think the very last pic (not going to "spoil" it by describing it!)

Ok THAT'S THE END OF LAST NIGHT'S STUFF

so
I see I
am at the dog here
just like I thought I was
so the dog's name is milou
he could talk in the comics or think at least
but here all he does is
make me chuckle via physical comedy XD XD XD XD XD <-----me, irl

milou jumps at a parrot
he
rides a motorcycle

holy shit I really did a terrible job making this gif

he
puts out a bomb by rolling on the fuse
then he
catches fire I guess (you couldn't see the fire) and smokes tons
and
someone
I think haddock
picks him up and runs outside and dunks him in a barrel
also this dog
whose name is minou
gets the camera put on him
whenever something really sillie has just happened
unfortunately he doesn't make a whining sound
or cover his face with a paw

the parrot
got jumped @ by minou
also
the parrot squawks things sometimes
but I can't tell what he's saying
I think he
mostly makes fun of people tho
I think the parrot belonged to the guy who left haddock the boat
the best thing that happens with the parrot is
in the end
when
professeur tournesol invents an amazing invention
a
mini helicopter!
and
the parrot gets in
and flies it
even tho a
parrot doesn't need a helicopter to fly

that seemed v. obvious to me while watching the movie
but
really
we humans
use
segways
and
cars
and shit
even tho we can
travel on land via walking

maybe the parrot wants to travel v. long distances
maybe he's too tired to fly via flapping wings
maybe he
wants to carry a few small things with him
dunno
who am I
to judge

anyway this
blog post is a total failure
I'll have to fix it in post
via adding images
and
maybe I'll have to keep making gifs, since they're superior to pictures
even tho they take way longer and we're a little tight on money here at attackofthesailingmovies.blogspot.com

ugh

so
should talk about boats here
I forget what I've already said about boats in this blogpost
so
if I repeat myself
don't make a big deal out of it
it's just a blog
I don't want to read this shit again [turns out I have to read it again anyway to check for typos! ack! I'm doing this right now! -Ed]
like
either I read this whole damn post again
or you read
a few lines about boats
twice
a bloo bloo bloo ( ') ( ')
so
the boats in this movie look really nice
this movie is from the 60s
but I think it might be set earlier
don't know if they could have afforded to swap out all the boats in the harbour for period boats tho

so these boats look
p. much like the boat versions of cars from the late 50s
iirc
like
man
never seen
such crazy boats in my whole irl
I'll add pictures and then I'll see what they look like again and then maybe talk about them in the captions

HAVE I DROWNED AND GONE TO BOAT HEAVEN?!?!?!?! Anyway, these boats maybe aren't as stylish as I thought they were, but they are def the most stylish in all the movies that have been blogged here so far except for Dead Calm and Kon-Tiki. They are at least v. charming!

HAVE I CONTINUED TO BE DEAD AND TO REMAIN IN BOAT HEAVEN?!?!?!?

whoa!!!! those are some serious boats!!!!!!

the main boat tho looked like shit
but really it was the most valuable boat of them all!
turns out that the treasure (which I mentioned earlier) was actually
the boat!!!!!
they had the treasure all along but thought it was a piece of poop!!!!!!!!
truly some wise truth right there................................................................................................................................................................
who knew hergé was a philosopher!!!!!!!

yeah the
boat had railings made of gold
forget what the railings are called
gunwales?
I hope they are
gunwales
"gunwales" seems to be a word according to the spell check thing in chrome
there are
so many boat words
it's hard to
keep them all straight
and they don't make any sense
like
you would expect the "poop deck" to be
a pack of novelty playing cards with pictures of poop on them instead of pictures of hot naked babes
but really it's just some kind of floor on the back of a boat
and don't get me started on
sextants
and
bungholes

it seems like
this kind of boat
runs on a fuel like
gasoline or something
re:
some asshole member of the crew double crossed them and poured out a bunch of it
and haddock said they only had half as much fuel as they needed
(luckily they were able to use professeur chinaman's magic potion to get all the way to wherever they were going)

our foretopman asked me this:
"which boat is better, o captain my captain? the Toison d'Or or the one in Dead Calm?"
I tapped my pipe or w/e ppl do with pipes
and
answered that
I prefer the toison d'or
re: it's
more authentic
re:
yachts are just for
rich ppl who want to flounce around on the low seas being all flimsy and gay while drinking stuff that's not grog, and not even straight out of the bottle

but
the toison d'or
is a boat that actually had a legit purpose re: shipping shit at one point

but
now I
think I might go the other way on this

commerce is so....
so....... coarse @D:
truly a
boat built for pleasure is
better

who cares if the faggots who own them atm are rich
my utopia, which I'll establish once I fall into a position of political power
will be so rich and will have such equality that
every citizen will have a yacht
and it will be what everyone will do instead of shit like soccer and basketball and whatever
actually
basketball will be encouraged in my utopia
but soccer will be replaced by yachting
imo my grandpa sails for pleasure
and
he's no flimse
he's the ideal utopian grandfather
who sails for pleasure
despite not being a rich asshole
btw all the yachts in my utopia will have motors but you won't be allowed to use them unless you're in danger
like
everyone will get
exactly one tankful of gasoline
that will have to last them their whole lifetime
if they are such careless sailors that they need to use their gas to save themselves att and run out
or if they are
degenerates who don't believe in the principles upon which this utopia is built and think it's "OK" to just putt around via gas for pleasure
they will run out of gas
so if they ever get caught in a storm again
they will die
and this utopia will be rid of bad citizens
and will be much better off for it

Me, IRL

I had something else to say that had to do with boats but I can't remember because I wrote everything except the last few lines last night or the day before
give me a minute here
oh hey while thinking about what I could say re: boats
I thought of
doing a gimmick list thing
like with "most romantic kiss" and stuff
to fill up the space I might lose via forgetting what I was going to say about boats
and I realized that
there was
no lil
romance thing going on
like
tintin doesn't kiss anyone in the end
imo this is
because
back in the 60s
it was still illegal in france to show two gay men kissing with their gay lips
if any experts re: historical french law could leave a comment confirming or denying that, it would be much appreciated

man
going to have to make up something to say about boats

oh
yeah
shit
I was going to talk about
haddock
being a sailor
so
haddock is a sailor
who has
really obviously made sailing a central part of his personal brand
he has a beard
he wears a hat I think that iirc is the usual sailory kind
or like
captainy kind
I think he smokes a pipe
he's an alcoholic
he swears (maybe not in the movie much I don't remember, but he does at least in the comics and it's like "BLISTERING BARNACLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and shit)
he wears a blue sweater which is what sailors do
and
the sweater has a
damn
anchor
embroidered on it
like
in the middle
right under the neck
it's not a tiny thing on the side like a lacoste logo (I said "lacoste" here because the movie has a lacoste joke in it, re: the logo for the evil ganger pirate bros is a lacoste logo but red)
so this guy is a total sailor
imo could we add
obvs homosexuality to this?

this guy sails a serious boat in this movie
the kind that would
I'm guessing
be sailing for really long periods of time w/o stopping anywhere for prostitutes
so it seems like it would be a necessity

that was
really a useless paragraph
didn't
learn anything about sailors there

so I'll
halfheartedly do some gimmick stuff
since the
"haddock is a sailor" paragraph might as well not have existed

most romantic kiss: as I said before, there are no onscreen romantic kisses in this movie
from the "I can't believe that made it past the censors!" department: dunno it's a pretty "clean" movie
like maybe some idiot could complain about it having guns and knives and lots of drinking
oh also I complained during the movie about how tintin, haddock, and milou weren't wearing helmets while motorcycling
so irresponsible of the director to push this anti-helmet propaganda on the public
best costume: they all had really good costumes imo. They all looked just like the tintin characters or better. our foretopman especially liked haddock's beard
most thrilling moment: probably when tintin fought some guy in a little room, the first time tintin showed us how mentally strong his twinkstyle kungfu is
anachronism alert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: maybe the boats. I really don't know. I have no idea in which time period this shit's supposed to be set. I mean, I know it's not set in like 10000000000 bc or something, but don't know if it's from the 60s, 50s, 40s, 30s, 20s.................................
I guess helicopters existed in the time of the movie
and
I'm guessing helicopters weren't around in the 20s
whatever I don't care

so
this blogpost has definitely been a failure
the pix I'm about to add won't fix it
I am sure of this
I remember that
at the ending of my last post
I said that I felt more confident than ever about this blog
even tho the post sucked
well
let me tell you
I
don't feel confident about it anymore
re: this post was so terrible
and I don't remember how I got confident about it last time
but
let me tell you this too:
I lit don't care. blogging owns. fuck yall. I will watch sailing movies and blog about them until the day I die and every blog post will be useless/shit. my duty isn't to you, my contempos, but to future archaeologists, be they human, space-alien, or superintelligent/simian

a superintelligent ape

there will be a time when the future president of the world will order all dvds, blurays, and VHS tapes to be burned
and all that will be left of the great pre-NWO legacy of sailing movies will be
1 blog
and guess which blog that will be?
------>THIS BLOG<------
it may not seem much now
but
after decades of tireless blogging
I, foretopman fenton, drew, The Beneflops, and all our lesser workers will have compiled more info on sailing movies than you, with your pre-singularity 2011 brains, could imagine
I don't mean to toot my own foghorn
but
I've got to say that
almost everything being done in the world today is totally worthless compared to this

you know
I feel more confident about this blog
than ever

In conclusion
this was a really great movie
great for the whole family
yall should watch it imo
even if you don't know any french you can watch it without subz because the plot doesn't matter at all and only the phys. comedy matters

let's
check the StarBoard:

Wow! Four stars! Truly a stellar movie ;)

see yall round
uh
fffff
trying to think of
some
nautical expression here
sell yall round
round uh
may
the wind always be
blowing at your
sails, folks

anchors aweigh!

[EDIT ALERT!: I changed "thing" to "think" in the second last paragraph (because I happened to read the ending of this post again). telling yall this via Dogme 95]

okay this movie is called dead calm and its a drama

easter egg i noticed: you can see that the sea itself is calm

hi i'm reviewing a movie called dead calm!

right now our "captain" timefishblue is researching the next exciting movie featuring sailing! He's off in the "pacific", sailing up a good review!

Everytime I go on the "poop deck" (that is what we call the internet) checking mr fishblue's emails, there are tons sayin stuff like

"give us more"

-sarah javis, quebec, canada

"your [sic] better than conan"

-sandro brisebois, san domenico soriano, italy

"why aren't there more of these posts"

-teitur magnason, hofsós, iceland

we're always making new blog posts down here at the "sailboat", but these things take time.

Our "captain" (he really is our captain though) called me on the phone this morning! This is an excellent chance to use our patented phone transcript technology. We've been sitting on this pretty thing for quite a while now!

this isn't what i wanted but the picture man doesn't speak english i think? or he is rude

Foretopman Fenton: Hello, You've reached Attack of the Sailing Movies, Award-Winning International Multisensory Blog.

Mr. TFB: Look kid, revenue's down. Way down. We need a new post, see? Or we're sunk, SUNK, you hear me?! Get it in by three, or you'll be getting out! Out on the street. You're young, single, just floating around and living it up. Me? I got a family to feed, bub!

Foretopman Fention: Oh my gosh, hello sir!

Mr: TFB: I'll be honest with you. I got us into a tight place. I blew most of our budget on the Last Crusade post. And the special effects guy, Manny Whatshisface, really went to town on it. It was a fiasco.

No more .pngs. It's .gifs--NOT animated--until we're in the black.

Get it done. [Hangs up]

Foretopman Fenton: right away!

so that is why i am reviewing a movie called dead calm.

i'm really sorry this isn't what i wanted at all

dead calm features stars such as Sam Keil and Nicole Kidman and Billy Zane.

I remember Nicole Kidman was in a movie called The Stepford Wives!

The Stepford Wives was a movie about wives that became robots. I wasn't allowed to see it though. It's okay because i understand there are very few sailing scenes and there were scary parts? I think. I will confirm this fact later.

so you are probably wondering: was Nicole Kidman a wife in this feature? she is! She is married to John Ingram.

In this paragraph I will give the main summary. An Australian couple take a sailing trip in the Pacific to forget about a terrible accident. While on the open sea, in dead calm, they come across a ship with one survivor who is not at all what he seems.

Sounds crazy, right?? I know!

I think it's pretty good! The movie is about how when you're in the middle of nowhere, there is nowhere to hide. I think this is a really good lesson.

imagine a picture of one of the stars giving a "thumbs up" here

I award this film 7 out of 7 sailboat sails. The drama is almost too much at times! But it never is and you'll like it.

the end

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

ANOTHER movie starring HARRISON FORD and RIVER PHOENIX?!?!?!??!?!??!?!!??!!
hehehhehh
woowowow!

and, wouldn't you know, in this film they FORD a RIVER!
nah jk
and anyway the "they" couldn't be HARRISON FORD and RIVER PHOENIX "ford"ing the "river" together because
they play the same character! (Indiana Jones)
maybe you could say that
HARRISON FORD
"fords" a sewer or whatever the fuck that was
but I don't think he really does so don't worry about it imo

btw fyi I'm not going to be using all caps for the names of actors anymore

while there may be no fording of rivers
there
sure is some
boating on them!!!!!! and also boating on other bodies of water!
there is so much boating in this movie that Sean Connery, an actor playing the role of Indiana Jones's father, whose name starts with an H I think (could it be "Harrison"?!?!??!?!??!!??!), says "great, more boats." (he was being sarcastic.)

back to the bro's name
indiana jones and his dad have the same real name
but indiana apparently named himself after his dog because he had fond memories of his dog
why didn't he keep his dad's name?
WELL HE
SURE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FOND MEMORIES OF
THAT OLD FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(guessing tho that he was less old during indy's childhood)
yall see,
indy's dad apparently never talked to him
because he cared more about people who died 500 years ago!
(he was some medieval literature bro, and also a professor whom kids *h8d*)
seems like indiana (jones) thought his mother wasn't religious
and was mad at his dad for being so religious
(his dad is so religious that he yells at indy for saying "jesus christ!!!!!!!!!!!")
and seemed like he was all
"huff!!!! why did ma have to die instead of this old religious fart!!!!!! and how could this religious fart have let her die!!!!!"
and sean connery was like
"you idiot! your mother was way religious too! you just didn't know it! and btw I had no idea she was dying!!!!!!!!!!! she died and I was like 'O:!!!!' and all I could do was mourn!"
(all of this happened p. quickly and I am assuming tons of things re: I don't think that any of this stuff was mentioned in the first two movies and all they did was hint at a bunch of shit p. much, probs so they($tephen $pielberg and Gorge Luca$)'d be able to give these bros' relaish a bunch of backstory in like 30 seconds so that we would care about [SPOILER ALERT! -ed.] sean connery getting shot in the end.

Some fucking idiot on TaBB said something for some reason (I don't remember) that was v. wrong. Bro said that wait actually nevermind this is maybe covered in the 4th movie, which I haven't seen.

whoa
look I
slipped in2
capital letters at the beginnings of sentences
like a slave

(btw the "Gorge" back there was a joke about how he's fat)

Wasn't going to post this re: was going for something and failed so I tried going for something else etc. and it kept getting less funny but there's just something about it.

anyway this boat has so many hahahah I called it a boat instead of a movie
I think you can tell I have boats on the brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

speaking of boats on the brain
some assassin guy in a fez almost had boats on the brain......... literally! But we'll get to that later...... (just a lil teaser for yall)

so
river phoenix
as young indiana jones
seems to have had a boatless childhood
but he did have some strong convictions re: things belonging in museums
things like
some cross
that belonged to
a broad named "Kora Na Doh" or something
probably not a Western name

n e way
not important
so
re: this movie
I
can't tell wtf is supposed to be happening
re: $tephen $pielberg seems to be
comparing indy to evil bros att
but
I think he might just be trying to
make as many scenes as possible each have a counterpart scene
and make you be like "everything is coming together!!!!!!" as much as possible
like
"wow that's just like when ______!!!!!!"
"so THAT explains _____!!!!!" etc.
drawing parallels that make no sense
like
the first thing iirc
was
fine afaict
re:
there was some horrible robber guy
stealing the cross of Kora Na Doh from some hole somewhere
and NOT planning on putting it in a museum
(I think he and his bros just wanted to melt it down (re: it was made of gold) like savages)
and this guy................. was dressed exactly like the grown up version of indiana jones!!!!!! (except his jacket was darker) They even got some kind of harrison ford lookalike to play him.

was like
"Is $.$. trying, here, to make us realize that Indiana Jones is nothing but some kind of looter, stealing the treasures of brown cultures and putting them in museums in exchange for honorariums?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!??? (the honorarium thing actually came up later in the movie, but my thoughts were close to this) Is this $.$. apologizing for The Temple of Doom?!?!??!?!??!?! Is this $.$. getting back at the racist, thieving Gorge Luca$ for making him do that movie?!?!?!??!?!?!"
but there is
so much of this shit in the movie that
it would be
totally ridiculous for $.$. to have been doing that
because it
would mean that
he thinks Indiana Jones is
as bad as a Nazi or something

Do you have something to tell us, Harrison??!?!??!

examples: earlyish in the movie Indy is swarmed by a bunch of gay children from his archaeology class who are shoving moleskines at him 4 autographs
later on in the movie the same thing happens to Hitler, but not outside of an archaeology classroom (and indy gets hitler's autograph by accident)

 

Not sure what joke I was trying to make here with that speech bubble

another thing
a nazi bro asks indy/his dad sean connery for their papers
via "papers plz"
then later on indy dresses up as a guy who works on a blimp and did the same thing but with tickets (sounds like a stretch but it was v. similar)
these sound way weak but there were way more and I don't want to have to go back looking thru the movie for those two to make them sound better
oh also indy breaks into seancon's room where the nazibros were holding him, and seancon hits indy on the head with a vase and was like
"oh... I thought you were one of them" in an extra serious way
swear it was
extra serious
like it was supposed to mean more than "whoopsie!"
shouldn't have added that last one because it makes the rest sound even weaker but srsly watch the movie and see this shit 4 urself it's an ownage movie
heh
as if a
single person alive has
not seen this movie
and this sort of shit is not just t re: indy/evil bros
it's re: anything and everything
which is another reason I think $.$. isn't really doing anything srs with this (would like to add that I'm also guessing he's unserious w/ this shit via having seen other movies he's made heheh (worst of all re: this: poltergeist imo. bunch of random zanie shit strung together. maybe he made it extra shitty on purpose tho to disguise the fact that he was its secret director,)
not doing anything srs like re: the
whole pointless young indy thing (there was already a train fight in (I think it was) the first movie, so it's not like it's even exciting re: some new setting for a zanie fight)
it's just like
"wow that explains why he's afraid of snakes! he encountered some snakes as a child!!!!! wow so that's where he got his whip! he found it as a child!!!!! wow so that's why he has a scar on his chin! because he got a scar on his chin as a child!! (and it's not like he got it from his father beating him up or anything that would matter. he got it re: not being good enough w/ a whip when he was trying it out for the first time)"
fuck this bro
fuck his ownage movie

wrote a bunch
speculating re: how $.$. and G.L. made the movie
but I read the "development" sections on wikipedia for the temple of doom and the last crusade and
shit is more ridiculous than I could have imagined
this isn't really about how they wrote it but
here is a funny quotation from wikipedia of how the last crusade could have been:

 It begins in 1937, with Indiana battling the murderous ghost of Baron Seamus Seagrove III in Scotland. Indiana travels to Mozambique to aid Dr. Clare Clarke (a Katharine Hepburn type, according to Lucas) who has found a 200-year-old pygmy. The pygmy is kidnapped by the Nazis during a boat chase, and Indiana, Clare and Scraggy Brier—an old friend of Indiana—travel up the Zambesi river to rescue him. Indiana is killed in the climactic battle but is resurrected by the Monkey King. Other characters include a cannibalistic African tribe; Nazi Sergeant Gutterbuhg, who has a mechanical arm; Betsy, a stowaway student who is suicidally in love with Indiana; and a pirate leader named Kezure (described as a Toshirō Mifune type), who dies eating a peach because he is not pure of heart. The tank is three stories high and requires Indiana to ride a rhinoceros to commandeer it.^[7]

n e way, apparently gorge puke a$$ and $.$. just took scenes from random scripts and stuck them in wherever
so I am guessing that
the sort of shit I was complaining about re: comparing indy to nazis is probs just
desperately trying to make it look like certain scenes were made specifically for this movie
by making it have anything to do with some other scene in the movie
like the scenes were "meant2be"

the movie IS called "the last crusade" tho so maybe the stuff about indy being evil was srs
even tho it was in with a lot of phonily srs stuff

so back to the
summary of the plot

there was a boat on the portugese coast
it was a big boat
that was for shipping things I think
harrison ford was on this boat and the robbers who were trying to steal that cross in the beginning (and failed)
and who got it back from indy via trickery
were on it too
I forget who was there first but probably the robbers
and indy stole the cross back from them
and put it in a museum at his university

the boat scene had lots of water
re: there was a storm
the waves were going up onto the "deck" (maybe the poop one I don't know)

turns out it was not the poop deck

and knocking people around


then there was a ferry in
--guess where--
BOAT CITY
AKA
VENICE
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I know what "ferry" means but maybe not
you can watch the movie to check if you don't believe me
if you find out that it isn't a ferry please tell me so that I can edit this post re: want to make sure it has scholarly value and is citable
anyway the ferry was
p. small
and indy was on it
then he got off it

next boat scene: also in venice, iirc
the city of boats
there were some guys wearing fezes who were trying to protect the hol wait no they weren't they were collaborating with the nazis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! those assholes! it's hard to tell who is doing what because p. much every character in these movies who isn't an "M.C." or a german is from somewhere in the middle east
and they all look the same to me
except that fat guy, who is unmistakable

so these
ASSHOLES in fezes
working for the NAZIS
are chasing indy and this dame who turns out to be a nazi (spoilers)
in boats
I believe the technical term is
"motor boats"
and indy is also driving a boat

"indy!", the nazi dame asks, "do you know how to drive a boat?"
"sure", says indy, "just not how to land one!"

so
there is a
miscommunication that
leads the broad
who is driving the boat at this point
to drive the boat between two gigantic titanic-sized boats that are getting pushed together by a tugboat
I say titanic-sized not because I
think they were actually as big as the titanic
which
from what I hear
sounds p. big
but because they are
not motorboats
not canoes
etc.
they are
at least the same
type of boat
as the titanic
actually maybe not
it was a cruise shit right? [Revising this blog post I found that I typoed "ship" as "shit" but imo the idea of taking a "cruise" is so ridiculous and disgusting that I'm going to leave it. -Ed.]
maybe these were
war ships or something
re: this movie is set during WWII
imo if you were to squint tho
you would think
"maybe this is a couple of titanics. I'd need to stop squinting to be sure"

so
the big boats are getting pushed together
and
just like moses
the tugboat lets indy and the nazi broad squeeze through
but
crushes the fez guys (possibly egyptians??!?!??!?!) who were chasing them

but we haven't heard the last of the fez guys yet
there is
one of them left
and
indy grabs him
and
holds him in front of a giant propeller that's on the back of a boat (and spinning)
re:
the boat they're on
is getting
chopped up by that same propeller
which is
slowly pulling the boat in closer

indy is like
"you idiot! tell me where my dad is [indy's dad was kidnapped by nazis. -Ed.] or I will shove your head into this propeller!"
then the fez bro is like
"heh, indy. if you do that, it will pull us in and we will both die. you don't believe in religiony stuff even though in the first movie you found the ark of the covenant and were there when it melted/blew up the nazis and in the second movie there were those magical glowing stones that saved the village and that poison stuff that turns people into zombies and that guy who could magically pull your heart out but also keep you alive and atm you are searching for the holy grail. my soul is prepared to die............... what about yours?!?!??!?!??! (via riding heavenwaves)"
and indy is like "ACK!" and pulls the guy back

(he then gets the info he wanted just by asking the guy normally, iirc)

indy and his dad are escaping nazis and

there are lots of lil motorboats at a dock on some river
and this is when seancon says:
"great, more boats"
but
they don't even boat in them!
indy tricks the nazis by sending off one boat without anyone in it
indy and his dad run in a different direction while the nazis are like "ack! they are getting away in that lil boat! let's follow them!!!!!" so they get in a boat like the goosestepping morons they are and are about to start puttputtputting after the unmanned boat but then they realize they've been duped

then there is
a huge
boring
chase/fight scene thing
like
really long
really boring
nothing that happens has anything to do with
indyishness
or
naziishness
and there wasn't anything special about where they were fighting (just a road and some wide open space with dirt, p. much)
could be
lit anyone having this lame chase/fight
like
indy uses his whip once in an unimportant way
iirc it was
just to
hit a guy a single time
and also he is
hanging on2 a tank's gun by his bag's strap
but that's it
could have punched the guy or thrown anything instead of using the whip
could have hung on2 the tank's gun by the collar of his jacket or his belt or anything
those are
the only two tiny things that have anythnig to do with indy and his brand in this whole fight scene that was like 30 mins or something
and it was all goofy too and not in a funny way
like
as bad as the first fight scene in the temple of doom, goofiness and unfunninesswise
and any time anyone gets saved from dying it's just by luck
everyone could have been blindfolded and earplugged and things would still have happened how they did in this gay fight scene
would be
just as exciting if
the nazis died one by one of spontaneous combustion
really the
worst thing in any of the indiana jones movies
this scene makes me not want to watch this movie again
even tho I'd watch the first two again
even tho this one is mostly better than those

while I was watching the movie I wrote:

"you call this archaeology?" -sean connery

in here. think this is the only note I took that wasn't boat-related or the name of river phoenix
but I can't remember what it was re:

imo it was probably some bro stealing something
not putting it in a museum
or maybe it was
indy doing something actiony
and his father
who is a booklearning bro
and is schocked whenever indy kills someone
was like
"wtf?!?!?! I thought you were an archaeologist! why are you jumping around and whipping bros?!?!?!?!? I know so little about you via having been so distant"
but I think it was maybe
seancon complaining about
the guy who led indy on this quest for the holy grail
re:
iirc someone (maybe indy or his dad) was like
"you nazi asshole! why are you helping the nazis get eternal life!??!?!"
and the bro was like
"heh. yeah right. fuck nazis. I just want this grail because it is v. ownage re: it is an old and important thing. only doing this with nazis because they are helping me get to it more easily."
then
maybe
this is when
seancon was like
"not exactly 'archaeology', imo......."

still don't know why
I would have thought that it was worth writing down
now I think it might have been said @ indy
because that would fit in with the
thing I was talking about earlier re: $.$. thinking that indy is as bad as a robber

n e way

indy goes thru sum boobie traps (and I'm NOT talking about the nazi babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
and
what an idiot
he
throws sand on this invisible bridge to show where it is
even tho
he knows exactly where it is
and could easily find it again just by moving his head a bit to the side
re: it's only invisible via an optical illusion

AND
WAIT
HE WOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO DO THAT
RE:
THE BRIDGE WAS PAINTED SO THAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF THE CLIFF WHEN YOU'RE GOING *TO* THE GRAIL
BUT WHEN YOU GO BACK
IT WOULD
LOOK LIKE THAT BUT UPSIDE DOWN
EVEN THO
THERE WOULD BE
A DIFFERENT FACE OF A DIFFERENT CLIFF
BEHIND IT
anyway I don't care about things like that ldo
but
he made it so that the
nazi who was following him
didn't have to solve the puzzle
and could easily get 2 the grail
(don't care about this either)

so he
goes to the room with the grail
the nazi wait he's not a nazi I shouldn't have been calling him a nazi he's just the archaeologist who was working with the nazis to find the holy grail

so
there is a table full of cups
(potential grails)
but
most of them are fake
obviously
and
if you drink from a fake one
instead of living forever
you
shrivel up in a p. cool stop motion way

so the nazi bitch (she was there too, and she is partway a good guy!!!!)
was like
"hey
archaeologist bro
it is obvs this goblet right here *winks at indy*"
(it is a grail that looks just like the most generic holy grail u could imagine)
and the archaeologist bro is like
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! YESSSSSS! IT'S SO BEAUTIFULLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(fucking moron it wasn't even a real holy grail!!!!)
and he drinks from it and shrivels

then indy tries to find the real cup
and either he or the nazi broad is like
"aha! *this*, this right here, *this* is the cup of a carpenter!"
re: it looks really shabby and maybe like wood
(even tho the inside of it is obvs gold. there was another cup on the table that was like a big bowl and was totally dull all over and looked like v. tarnished bronze or clay or something, a much better candidate for Carpenter's Cup)

blah blah blah indy drinks it his dad, who was shot, drinks it and there is a joke about how indy is named after a dog

are there boats in the crystal skull?!?!?!??!?
I'll have 2 watch it and find out.


so
re: this blogpost

is it the longest one yet? (I could measure this via wordcount technology or just by looking at it and comparing it to the others)
is there not enough boat stuff for a blogpost on a sailing movie blog?
are you disturbed by the complete lack of sails in this movie? should I stick to movies with legit sails?
should I do some gimmicks
wait I'll do a gimmick right now

best line of the movie: "you call THAT archaeology?!?!?!?!" -Sir Sean Connery
hottest babe in the movie: nazi chick
fattest arab in the movie: that fat arab guy
"I can't believe that slipped past the censors!": indy and his dad both have sex with the same woman! sick!
anachronism alert: the guy who was in the grail room was supposed to be from the middle ages but he spoke in contemporary english, just with a british accent! get real, spielberg!
worst accent of the movie: harrison for impersonating a scottish laird. I JUST DIDN'T BUY IT!
from the "WHAT were they THINKING?" files: you filmed the young indy part of the movie in COLOUR, spielberg?!?!?!? I would have loved to have seen some black and white, and I know I'm not alone! SOME of  us can handle the avant-garde and actually APPRECIATE being challenged! nice to see that you GOT THE HINT by the time you filmed Schindler's List.
most romantic kiss: indy and the nazi chick in her room. can you say "HOT"?!

 

so
think this might be the
least readable and most worthless blogpost yet on this blog
imo this is maybe only because I
didn't post the one I'd written about Dead Ringers
when I was
worried that I was about to run out of sailing movies and had to abandon ship
AS IT WERE XD XD XD XD
it was such a horrible blogpost you wouldn't have believed it

I only have 1 picture in this post so far, which is maybe why it seems unusually horrible to me
but
they all seem
unusually horrible
before I add pictures
(yep that's right, ALL of them.)
which is always at the end
except for
the one picture I already put in this one
which is
a picture of the movie's poster
and maybe I did that with the others
I certainly
tho
didn't
*make* any pictures myself
via screencaps or photoshops
before writing the post

imo
whenever I
look at a long thing on the internet
without pictures
my
eyes cross
imo
have to
break this shit up with tons of pix
or
u, the reader, will die
and also I will
never want to look at this post again
imo don't really want to do screenshots tho this time
my comp retarted itself to install sum updates
(thank you blogger for saving shit every once in a while!!!!!!!!! xoxoxox)
see I
trypoed "restarted" as "retarded" up there [I noticed while revising this blog post that I typoed "typoed", but imo this blog post is "tripe" so I'm leaving it. -Ed.]
but imo
that is how I feel about this shit
it's
retarded that
this gay old vista shit (I don't know if it does this with windows 7) restarts damn comps and loses all the shit I had going on
shame on you, "Dollar" Bill Gate$

anyway
my comp restarted itself to install updates
and
that closed vlc which is what I was using to watch the movie
and
don't want to bother opening it up
even tho
it would be easier than gising relevant pics

yo so I
made the pix "original size" instead of "medium", which is the size blogger makes them automatically
I guess that's what they all must have been in the other posts re: didn't know you could change the size until now
just trying to
"keep it real" here on Attack of the Sailing Movies dot Com
shit looks less fancy tho
but at least you can
read the funnie things I wrote on the pix
without squinting
 
that's it for this week's blog
how you all learned something about the indiana jones franchise

ok that's
not it
I just reread this blog post and
this is def worse than the Dead Ringers one
def worse than all the others
and they were bad too

I wrote this over like
3 days or something
and
the first day's stuff is
completely awful and annoying
the other stuff is still completely awful but less annoying
the pix are mostly awful and annoying
really worried that all my blog posts will be annoying
don't really care about them being awful tho

wtf am I doing with this blog? why would I think that I, of all people, deserve to have a blog? can't even remember how I landed this gig

imo maybe I will give myself a word limit
the word limit will be
(if I do this)
the number of words in the KON-TIKI post

no fuck word limits
I
can't be chained imo

I'm going to blog free or die

feel more confident about this blog than ever before

feel like a bookdeal is right around the corner

feel like a sitcom based on this blog is right around the corner

feel like a The Social Network-style  movie about the rise of this blog is right around the corner

feel like my assassination is around the corner

but until then
I blog.

MOSQUITO COAST

So I watched Mosquito Coast a while ago, and it features q. a bit of sailing.

I was origie. going to make a post about some other movie oh yeah it was THE AFRICAN QUEEN but I can't even remember if I watched the whole thing. It was too boring to deserve a prestigious post spot on my blog, "Attack of the Sailing Movie!".

But I warn yall: the following post about MOSQUITO COAST is p. much just a long summary of the movie with no interesting extra things, much like the KON-TIKI post. There isn't even much about sailing in this post. Maybe I should "analyse" the next sailing movie I watch and write some kind of "essay". I also warn yall that this is written in a v. annoying and bloggy voice, and that I think I should stop capitalizing every letter in names next time I make a post.

Now on2 the post:

Let me try to remember the sailing events:

-on a boat (NON-SAIL) to the MOSQUITO COAST (a real place, it seems)

-on the black guy's boat (possibly had a sail but also had a motor)
-on the black guy's new boat (his first one was destroyed so he got a new one by trading a watch, which the main character gave him, for it)
-on a house that turned into a besailed raft when things got really rainy

There might have also been some boats collecting ice blocks but I don't remember.

Anyway, I think all this stuff makes this qualify as a sailing movie.

THE MOVIE:

The movie, called (The?!?) MOSQUITO COAST, stars HARRISON FORD, HELEN MIRREN, RIVER PHOENIX, and OTHERS.

It's about some guy who is kind of like my uncle except more competent. I have no idea what I would call this bro's politics, but I am sure they are "sOoOoOo crazy". He h8s America (or loves it too much!!!!). He also hates China. He likes the Mosquito Coast tho. He hates "welfare queens" but also loves helping poor people and doesn't seem to be racist (except near the end when he calls the black guy with the boat a "savage"). I swear, he has tons of black friends! All of his friends are black! I swear! Oh yeah, back to the savage thing, he hates savages but wants to be as savage as possible. What a zany-ass bro! He's also an atheist who hates religion so much that he burned down a church (via riding norwegian black metal waves). The bro loves science, but also hates all technology. This guy is a "walking contradiction" (via (let me google this) Green Day).

"It's about some guy who is kind of like my uncle except more competent."

Liberal? Conservative? "Libertarian"? SoooOOOooOOOoOooo confused! This movie is from the 80s I think so maybe things were different then.

So this bro invents a magical machine that turns water into ice using only fire (isn't this how freezers already work? Like, some bros burn coal somewhere, the electricity goes to your house, and then into your freezer, and it freezes water? N E way...)

He hates what is happening to the America he once loved (re: welfare queens taking it over) so he forces his family to go to the Mosquito Coast. On the way they meet a missionary family with a "haute gurlie" with which the main kid (RIVER PHOENIX) can fall in "love". While travelling there, they are on a boat, but the boat isn't very important. Just a way for the chars. to meet/talk to each other while travelling, and for the "haute gurlie" and the RIVER PHOENIX to be able to have some "alone time", I guess (which couldn't really happen on a plane). I think they really missed some good boat-related opportunities. Actually, they did take advantage of the whole "being out in the sun" thing that you get with a boat, re: they had the main family cover their noses in thick sunscreen, making them look like white-ass corny idiots who aren't reddie to live in the jungle.

BTW, on the boat, the "haute girlie" says to RIVER PHOENIX: "I think about you when I go to the bathroom."

They end up living in the jungle because HARRISON FORD bought a town, becoming its mayor (I didn't know you could do that), but it turned out to be not much of a town (i.e. 3 lil shacks in the jungle), to the dismay of his family, which hates him.

They work tons re: turning it into a decent town, and it ends up being some kind of tree house paradise thing with sillie colourful inventions doing fun things. Everyone is sooooooooo happie, but then the missionary dad, whom HARRISON FORD hates, comes to the town and tries to ruin it by converting its citizens. The citizens laugh him away but then one oldish woman citizen does a secret sign of the cross. The town has been infected!

HARRISON FORD builds a giant version of his ice machine (about silo size, I guess), and the natives get to see ice for the very first time (you see, it's very hot in the Mosquito Coast).

HARRISON FORD wants to go deeper in2 the jungle to give ice to some untouched savagey hut ppl. It takes a long time to carry the ice and HARRISON FORD is an asshole and the ice melts once they get to the savages, so the savages are way angry and confused. HARRISON FORD sees some non-savage captives in one of the huts and gives them advice on how to escape. The savages let HARRISON FORD and his crew leave even tho they are way angry at him. (I am calling them "savages" semi-ironically, the part that isn't semi-ronic being that I really have no idea what to call them because I don't think they were given a name in the movie and I don't know how else to compare them to the citizens who live in houses. Am I becoming HARRISON FORD?!?!?!?)

They go back to their treehouse paradise. The best citizen (I think he might have also been the black guy with the boat. I don't remember, plus they "all look the same to me" anyway. I HAVE BECOME HARRISON FORD!!!!!!!!!!) is picking tomatoes in a greenhouse and he sees a gun (someone is holding the gun) and he runs away screaming and it turns out that the gun was being held by one of the supposed captives from the hut! They weren't captives at all! They were evil bros (there are 3 of them) and they want to take over the treehouse paradise!

Trubble in paradise?!?!??!

HARRISON FORD tries to get them to leave by pretending that the treehouse paradise is infested with invisible ants and that he has to dismantle it. He tears apart most of his treehouse paradise (sooooo sad imo) but the bros don't leave. HARRISON FORD then sets up a nice room for the bros. Such a nice room! Why would he be so nice to these evil bros? The bros go to sleep and have a nice time.

Then he sends his son (RIVER PHOENIX) on a mission. The mission is to climb the ice machine and move some piece of metal. TURNS OUT THAT THE BRO ROOM WAS IN THE TOP OF THE ICE MACHINE AND THAT THE PIECE OF METAL JUST LOCKED THE BROS INSIDE! HARRISON FORD TURNS ON THE ICE MACHINE TO FREEZE THE EVIL BROS!

Everyone thinks "You have gone too far, HARRISON FORD!" but he says "They were evil anyway, and my ice machine will give them a quick, cold death via being humane." I'm not buying it, HARRISON FORD, and neither are the citizens!

The bros wake up and get all mad and start shooting around their ice machine room. They shoot some important pipe and this makes the ice machine explode. The explosion is way big and destroys the town and poisons the river (NOT THE PHOENIX ONE. AN ACTUAL RIVER).

Everyone is sooooooo mad at HARRISON FORD and they want to go home, but Harrison Ford wants to go deeper into savagery. He strands his family on an island and tells them that America got blown up via nuclear bombs, so they can never go back. He says that they won't use any modern day newfangled technology things except for what washes ashore (it's a garbagey island via so many things washing ashore). The black guy with a boat gets mad at HARRISON FORD for being such an idiot and says that if they build a house close to the water they will drown in a storm. HARRISON FORD doesn't care and builds a house anyway. The black guy comes back in secret and sneaks the kids some gasoline and an "outboard motor" (it that what it's called?) and tells them to tell their dad that they found those things washed ashore (making them "authentic" enough to be used by HARRISON FORD). I think that by now the black guy had already bought a new boat, and HARRISON FORD was mad at him for having traded his special watch for it (even though HARRISON FORD hates watches! What a hypocrite!). The black guy's boat isn't really important. The first one is destroyed somehow, but I don't remember how. The only boat that's really important is the one that is about to appear!

"The black guy's boat isn't really important."

There is a big storm and the house starts floating away (not much of a house, btw. Sort of like a house that people would have on the TV show SURVIVOR.). The kids present HARRISON FORD with the gas and motor [TURNS OUT IT WAS A SPARK PLUG, NOT A MOTOR. -Ed.], claiming that they found them, and HARRISON FORD converts the house into a raft (with sails). It is v. ownage to watch this thing sailing in a storm, f. y. i.

The storm calms down and stuff and then the mother, HELEN MIRREN, is like "Thank god! Finally we can go somewhere decent! Let's go live with the black guy who owns a boat, since America is blown up and we can't go there!"

Then HARRISON FORD IS LIKE "Heh. Don't make me lol. We're going up-river, re: there's *life* upriver!"

He also gets mad at the kids for some reason and tows them in a tiny boat behind the main boat. The younger kid says that he wants to kill HARRISON FORD, but the older one, RIVER PHOENIX, tells him to shut up and then apologizes. They both want to kill their evil father.

While they're sailing they hear the missionary bro preaching. HARRISON FORD gets so angry that he parks the boat (I don't know what the sailing term is for that. Moors? Docks?) and says that he wants to punch the missionary in the face.

They get on the island and run into the preachy church, but the missionary bro isn't there at all! It's just a tape of him preaching being shown on a TV to a curchful of natives! [Would like to point out here that there were also natives in a church listening to something recorded, iirc, in the movie KON-TIKI, which has also been reviewed on this Blog. -Ed.] Soooooo disgusting and evil!

The kids run away and find the missionary's house and get the "haute gurlie" to meet them outside. She says that RIVER PHOENIX's hair is gross, but I disagree. He is obvs. living a no-poo lifestyle (to learn more about the benefits of a no-poo lifestyle please google "shampoo scam"), but had the misfortune of living in the 80s, a time of bad hair. If the "haute gurlie" were alive today, I am sure that she would agree with me that RIVER PHOENIX's hair was better without shampoo.

The "haute gurlie" gives the kids the key to her parents' Jeep so that they can escape their crazy dad with their mother. Meanwhile, HARRISON FORD burns down the church and his family is like "Oh god I hope it wasn't DAD who burned down that church!" and then HARRISON FORD runs up to them and is like "Heh heh heh looks like I spilled a little *points to gas can* GASOLINE!" Soooooo embarrassing, dad!

The missionary gets way mad and shoots HARRISON FORD in the chest or shoulder or something (probably shoulder re: the usual place to get shot in a movie). They put HARRISON FORD on the boat house and sail away. HARRISON FORD is dying and the kids don't want him to die anymore! He says that he can't move anything below his head (via having been shot). HARRISON FORD is like "I hope we're going upriver [which yall will remember is where he wanted to go. -Ed.]." Helen Mirren is like "Y-Yeah, sure. We're going upriver alright!" and then HARRISON FORD dies and the camera zooms out to show that they are going from the river out into the ocean, a.k.a "downriver"!

Then RIVER PHOENIX gives some kind of narration epilogue things, but when I try to remember it I can only remember Juliette Lewis's thing at the end of CAPE FEAR re: it's p. much the same thing. (Man, I should make a post about CAPE FEAR once I run out of movies with legit. sails.)

The credits thank T.S. Eliot's estate or whatever for letting them use parts of FRAGMENT OF AN AGON. Didn't even notice it while watching the movie. All I can remember is HARRISON FORD saying "I'll take you away to a cannibal isle" or however that goes. Not sure if there was any more of it in the movie.

Rating: **** (4 starfish out of 4)

So I just wrote a post about the movie MOSQUITO COAST.

How was this post? P. shitty? Still don't know how to write a blog post. Still don't know anything about "movies" or "sailing movies". I think the pictures are mostly krappie too.

Would any1 get the idea that I liked the movie if I hadn't put a starfish rating at the end? Was this post "snarkie"?

Should I get some gimmicks like "The Funniest Line in the Movie" or "Best Sailing Moment"?

Is it easier to post pictures when you're using a browser other than Chrome? Blogger is owned by Google, so that would be ridiculous, but it's more ridiculous how hard it is to post a damn picture.

Is Google trying to keep people from posting pictures?

Write your congressman.

P.S.: Watch this movie re: it owns.