Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

ANOTHER movie starring HARRISON FORD and RIVER PHOENIX?!?!?!??!?!??!?!!??!!
hehehhehh
woowowow!

and, wouldn't you know, in this film they FORD a RIVER!
nah jk
and anyway the "they" couldn't be HARRISON FORD and RIVER PHOENIX "ford"ing the "river" together because
they play the same character! (Indiana Jones)
maybe you could say that
HARRISON FORD
"fords" a sewer or whatever the fuck that was
but I don't think he really does so don't worry about it imo

btw fyi I'm not going to be using all caps for the names of actors anymore

while there may be no fording of rivers
there
sure is some
boating on them!!!!!! and also boating on other bodies of water!
there is so much boating in this movie that Sean Connery, an actor playing the role of Indiana Jones's father, whose name starts with an H I think (could it be "Harrison"?!?!??!?!??!!??!), says "great, more boats." (he was being sarcastic.)

back to the bro's name
indiana jones and his dad have the same real name
but indiana apparently named himself after his dog because he had fond memories of his dog
why didn't he keep his dad's name?
WELL HE
SURE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FOND MEMORIES OF
THAT OLD FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(guessing tho that he was less old during indy's childhood)
yall see,
indy's dad apparently never talked to him
because he cared more about people who died 500 years ago!
(he was some medieval literature bro, and also a professor whom kids *h8d*)
seems like indiana (jones) thought his mother wasn't religious
and was mad at his dad for being so religious
(his dad is so religious that he yells at indy for saying "jesus christ!!!!!!!!!!!")
and seemed like he was all
"huff!!!! why did ma have to die instead of this old religious fart!!!!!! and how could this religious fart have let her die!!!!!"
and sean connery was like
"you idiot! your mother was way religious too! you just didn't know it! and btw I had no idea she was dying!!!!!!!!!!! she died and I was like 'O:!!!!' and all I could do was mourn!"
(all of this happened p. quickly and I am assuming tons of things re: I don't think that any of this stuff was mentioned in the first two movies and all they did was hint at a bunch of shit p. much, probs so they($tephen $pielberg and Gorge Luca$)'d be able to give these bros' relaish a bunch of backstory in like 30 seconds so that we would care about [SPOILER ALERT! -ed.] sean connery getting shot in the end.

Some fucking idiot on TaBB said something for some reason (I don't remember) that was v. wrong. Bro said that wait actually nevermind this is maybe covered in the 4th movie, which I haven't seen.

whoa
look I
slipped in2
capital letters at the beginnings of sentences
like a slave

(btw the "Gorge" back there was a joke about how he's fat)

Wasn't going to post this re: was going for something and failed so I tried going for something else etc. and it kept getting less funny but there's just something about it.

anyway this boat has so many hahahah I called it a boat instead of a movie
I think you can tell I have boats on the brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

speaking of boats on the brain
some assassin guy in a fez almost had boats on the brain......... literally! But we'll get to that later...... (just a lil teaser for yall)

so
river phoenix
as young indiana jones
seems to have had a boatless childhood
but he did have some strong convictions re: things belonging in museums
things like
some cross
that belonged to
a broad named "Kora Na Doh" or something
probably not a Western name

n e way
not important
so
re: this movie
I
can't tell wtf is supposed to be happening
re: $tephen $pielberg seems to be
comparing indy to evil bros att
but
I think he might just be trying to
make as many scenes as possible each have a counterpart scene
and make you be like "everything is coming together!!!!!!" as much as possible
like
"wow that's just like when ______!!!!!!"
"so THAT explains _____!!!!!" etc.
drawing parallels that make no sense
like
the first thing iirc
was
fine afaict
re:
there was some horrible robber guy
stealing the cross of Kora Na Doh from some hole somewhere
and NOT planning on putting it in a museum
(I think he and his bros just wanted to melt it down (re: it was made of gold) like savages)
and this guy................. was dressed exactly like the grown up version of indiana jones!!!!!! (except his jacket was darker) They even got some kind of harrison ford lookalike to play him.

was like
"Is $.$. trying, here, to make us realize that Indiana Jones is nothing but some kind of looter, stealing the treasures of brown cultures and putting them in museums in exchange for honorariums?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!??? (the honorarium thing actually came up later in the movie, but my thoughts were close to this) Is this $.$. apologizing for The Temple of Doom?!?!??!?!??!?! Is this $.$. getting back at the racist, thieving Gorge Luca$ for making him do that movie?!?!?!??!?!?!"
but there is
so much of this shit in the movie that
it would be
totally ridiculous for $.$. to have been doing that
because it
would mean that
he thinks Indiana Jones is
as bad as a Nazi or something

Do you have something to tell us, Harrison??!?!??!

examples: earlyish in the movie Indy is swarmed by a bunch of gay children from his archaeology class who are shoving moleskines at him 4 autographs
later on in the movie the same thing happens to Hitler, but not outside of an archaeology classroom (and indy gets hitler's autograph by accident)

 

Not sure what joke I was trying to make here with that speech bubble

another thing
a nazi bro asks indy/his dad sean connery for their papers
via "papers plz"
then later on indy dresses up as a guy who works on a blimp and did the same thing but with tickets (sounds like a stretch but it was v. similar)
these sound way weak but there were way more and I don't want to have to go back looking thru the movie for those two to make them sound better
oh also indy breaks into seancon's room where the nazibros were holding him, and seancon hits indy on the head with a vase and was like
"oh... I thought you were one of them" in an extra serious way
swear it was
extra serious
like it was supposed to mean more than "whoopsie!"
shouldn't have added that last one because it makes the rest sound even weaker but srsly watch the movie and see this shit 4 urself it's an ownage movie
heh
as if a
single person alive has
not seen this movie
and this sort of shit is not just t re: indy/evil bros
it's re: anything and everything
which is another reason I think $.$. isn't really doing anything srs with this (would like to add that I'm also guessing he's unserious w/ this shit via having seen other movies he's made heheh (worst of all re: this: poltergeist imo. bunch of random zanie shit strung together. maybe he made it extra shitty on purpose tho to disguise the fact that he was its secret director,)
not doing anything srs like re: the
whole pointless young indy thing (there was already a train fight in (I think it was) the first movie, so it's not like it's even exciting re: some new setting for a zanie fight)
it's just like
"wow that explains why he's afraid of snakes! he encountered some snakes as a child!!!!! wow so that's where he got his whip! he found it as a child!!!!! wow so that's why he has a scar on his chin! because he got a scar on his chin as a child!! (and it's not like he got it from his father beating him up or anything that would matter. he got it re: not being good enough w/ a whip when he was trying it out for the first time)"
fuck this bro
fuck his ownage movie

wrote a bunch
speculating re: how $.$. and G.L. made the movie
but I read the "development" sections on wikipedia for the temple of doom and the last crusade and
shit is more ridiculous than I could have imagined
this isn't really about how they wrote it but
here is a funny quotation from wikipedia of how the last crusade could have been:

 It begins in 1937, with Indiana battling the murderous ghost of Baron Seamus Seagrove III in Scotland. Indiana travels to Mozambique to aid Dr. Clare Clarke (a Katharine Hepburn type, according to Lucas) who has found a 200-year-old pygmy. The pygmy is kidnapped by the Nazis during a boat chase, and Indiana, Clare and Scraggy Brier—an old friend of Indiana—travel up the Zambesi river to rescue him. Indiana is killed in the climactic battle but is resurrected by the Monkey King. Other characters include a cannibalistic African tribe; Nazi Sergeant Gutterbuhg, who has a mechanical arm; Betsy, a stowaway student who is suicidally in love with Indiana; and a pirate leader named Kezure (described as a Toshirō Mifune type), who dies eating a peach because he is not pure of heart. The tank is three stories high and requires Indiana to ride a rhinoceros to commandeer it.^[7]

n e way, apparently gorge puke a$$ and $.$. just took scenes from random scripts and stuck them in wherever
so I am guessing that
the sort of shit I was complaining about re: comparing indy to nazis is probs just
desperately trying to make it look like certain scenes were made specifically for this movie
by making it have anything to do with some other scene in the movie
like the scenes were "meant2be"

the movie IS called "the last crusade" tho so maybe the stuff about indy being evil was srs
even tho it was in with a lot of phonily srs stuff

so back to the
summary of the plot

there was a boat on the portugese coast
it was a big boat
that was for shipping things I think
harrison ford was on this boat and the robbers who were trying to steal that cross in the beginning (and failed)
and who got it back from indy via trickery
were on it too
I forget who was there first but probably the robbers
and indy stole the cross back from them
and put it in a museum at his university

the boat scene had lots of water
re: there was a storm
the waves were going up onto the "deck" (maybe the poop one I don't know)

turns out it was not the poop deck

and knocking people around


then there was a ferry in
--guess where--
BOAT CITY
AKA
VENICE
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I know what "ferry" means but maybe not
you can watch the movie to check if you don't believe me
if you find out that it isn't a ferry please tell me so that I can edit this post re: want to make sure it has scholarly value and is citable
anyway the ferry was
p. small
and indy was on it
then he got off it

next boat scene: also in venice, iirc
the city of boats
there were some guys wearing fezes who were trying to protect the hol wait no they weren't they were collaborating with the nazis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! those assholes! it's hard to tell who is doing what because p. much every character in these movies who isn't an "M.C." or a german is from somewhere in the middle east
and they all look the same to me
except that fat guy, who is unmistakable

so these
ASSHOLES in fezes
working for the NAZIS
are chasing indy and this dame who turns out to be a nazi (spoilers)
in boats
I believe the technical term is
"motor boats"
and indy is also driving a boat

"indy!", the nazi dame asks, "do you know how to drive a boat?"
"sure", says indy, "just not how to land one!"

so
there is a
miscommunication that
leads the broad
who is driving the boat at this point
to drive the boat between two gigantic titanic-sized boats that are getting pushed together by a tugboat
I say titanic-sized not because I
think they were actually as big as the titanic
which
from what I hear
sounds p. big
but because they are
not motorboats
not canoes
etc.
they are
at least the same
type of boat
as the titanic
actually maybe not
it was a cruise shit right? [Revising this blog post I found that I typoed "ship" as "shit" but imo the idea of taking a "cruise" is so ridiculous and disgusting that I'm going to leave it. -Ed.]
maybe these were
war ships or something
re: this movie is set during WWII
imo if you were to squint tho
you would think
"maybe this is a couple of titanics. I'd need to stop squinting to be sure"

so
the big boats are getting pushed together
and
just like moses
the tugboat lets indy and the nazi broad squeeze through
but
crushes the fez guys (possibly egyptians??!?!??!?!) who were chasing them

but we haven't heard the last of the fez guys yet
there is
one of them left
and
indy grabs him
and
holds him in front of a giant propeller that's on the back of a boat (and spinning)
re:
the boat they're on
is getting
chopped up by that same propeller
which is
slowly pulling the boat in closer

indy is like
"you idiot! tell me where my dad is [indy's dad was kidnapped by nazis. -Ed.] or I will shove your head into this propeller!"
then the fez bro is like
"heh, indy. if you do that, it will pull us in and we will both die. you don't believe in religiony stuff even though in the first movie you found the ark of the covenant and were there when it melted/blew up the nazis and in the second movie there were those magical glowing stones that saved the village and that poison stuff that turns people into zombies and that guy who could magically pull your heart out but also keep you alive and atm you are searching for the holy grail. my soul is prepared to die............... what about yours?!?!??!?!??! (via riding heavenwaves)"
and indy is like "ACK!" and pulls the guy back

(he then gets the info he wanted just by asking the guy normally, iirc)

indy and his dad are escaping nazis and

there are lots of lil motorboats at a dock on some river
and this is when seancon says:
"great, more boats"
but
they don't even boat in them!
indy tricks the nazis by sending off one boat without anyone in it
indy and his dad run in a different direction while the nazis are like "ack! they are getting away in that lil boat! let's follow them!!!!!" so they get in a boat like the goosestepping morons they are and are about to start puttputtputting after the unmanned boat but then they realize they've been duped

then there is
a huge
boring
chase/fight scene thing
like
really long
really boring
nothing that happens has anything to do with
indyishness
or
naziishness
and there wasn't anything special about where they were fighting (just a road and some wide open space with dirt, p. much)
could be
lit anyone having this lame chase/fight
like
indy uses his whip once in an unimportant way
iirc it was
just to
hit a guy a single time
and also he is
hanging on2 a tank's gun by his bag's strap
but that's it
could have punched the guy or thrown anything instead of using the whip
could have hung on2 the tank's gun by the collar of his jacket or his belt or anything
those are
the only two tiny things that have anythnig to do with indy and his brand in this whole fight scene that was like 30 mins or something
and it was all goofy too and not in a funny way
like
as bad as the first fight scene in the temple of doom, goofiness and unfunninesswise
and any time anyone gets saved from dying it's just by luck
everyone could have been blindfolded and earplugged and things would still have happened how they did in this gay fight scene
would be
just as exciting if
the nazis died one by one of spontaneous combustion
really the
worst thing in any of the indiana jones movies
this scene makes me not want to watch this movie again
even tho I'd watch the first two again
even tho this one is mostly better than those

while I was watching the movie I wrote:

"you call this archaeology?" -sean connery

in here. think this is the only note I took that wasn't boat-related or the name of river phoenix
but I can't remember what it was re:

imo it was probably some bro stealing something
not putting it in a museum
or maybe it was
indy doing something actiony
and his father
who is a booklearning bro
and is schocked whenever indy kills someone
was like
"wtf?!?!?! I thought you were an archaeologist! why are you jumping around and whipping bros?!?!?!?!? I know so little about you via having been so distant"
but I think it was maybe
seancon complaining about
the guy who led indy on this quest for the holy grail
re:
iirc someone (maybe indy or his dad) was like
"you nazi asshole! why are you helping the nazis get eternal life!??!?!"
and the bro was like
"heh. yeah right. fuck nazis. I just want this grail because it is v. ownage re: it is an old and important thing. only doing this with nazis because they are helping me get to it more easily."
then
maybe
this is when
seancon was like
"not exactly 'archaeology', imo......."

still don't know why
I would have thought that it was worth writing down
now I think it might have been said @ indy
because that would fit in with the
thing I was talking about earlier re: $.$. thinking that indy is as bad as a robber

n e way

indy goes thru sum boobie traps (and I'm NOT talking about the nazi babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
and
what an idiot
he
throws sand on this invisible bridge to show where it is
even tho
he knows exactly where it is
and could easily find it again just by moving his head a bit to the side
re: it's only invisible via an optical illusion

AND
WAIT
HE WOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO DO THAT
RE:
THE BRIDGE WAS PAINTED SO THAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF THE CLIFF WHEN YOU'RE GOING *TO* THE GRAIL
BUT WHEN YOU GO BACK
IT WOULD
LOOK LIKE THAT BUT UPSIDE DOWN
EVEN THO
THERE WOULD BE
A DIFFERENT FACE OF A DIFFERENT CLIFF
BEHIND IT
anyway I don't care about things like that ldo
but
he made it so that the
nazi who was following him
didn't have to solve the puzzle
and could easily get 2 the grail
(don't care about this either)

so he
goes to the room with the grail
the nazi wait he's not a nazi I shouldn't have been calling him a nazi he's just the archaeologist who was working with the nazis to find the holy grail

so
there is a table full of cups
(potential grails)
but
most of them are fake
obviously
and
if you drink from a fake one
instead of living forever
you
shrivel up in a p. cool stop motion way

so the nazi bitch (she was there too, and she is partway a good guy!!!!)
was like
"hey
archaeologist bro
it is obvs this goblet right here *winks at indy*"
(it is a grail that looks just like the most generic holy grail u could imagine)
and the archaeologist bro is like
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! YESSSSSS! IT'S SO BEAUTIFULLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(fucking moron it wasn't even a real holy grail!!!!)
and he drinks from it and shrivels

then indy tries to find the real cup
and either he or the nazi broad is like
"aha! *this*, this right here, *this* is the cup of a carpenter!"
re: it looks really shabby and maybe like wood
(even tho the inside of it is obvs gold. there was another cup on the table that was like a big bowl and was totally dull all over and looked like v. tarnished bronze or clay or something, a much better candidate for Carpenter's Cup)

blah blah blah indy drinks it his dad, who was shot, drinks it and there is a joke about how indy is named after a dog

are there boats in the crystal skull?!?!?!??!?
I'll have 2 watch it and find out.


so
re: this blogpost

is it the longest one yet? (I could measure this via wordcount technology or just by looking at it and comparing it to the others)
is there not enough boat stuff for a blogpost on a sailing movie blog?
are you disturbed by the complete lack of sails in this movie? should I stick to movies with legit sails?
should I do some gimmicks
wait I'll do a gimmick right now

best line of the movie: "you call THAT archaeology?!?!?!?!" -Sir Sean Connery
hottest babe in the movie: nazi chick
fattest arab in the movie: that fat arab guy
"I can't believe that slipped past the censors!": indy and his dad both have sex with the same woman! sick!
anachronism alert: the guy who was in the grail room was supposed to be from the middle ages but he spoke in contemporary english, just with a british accent! get real, spielberg!
worst accent of the movie: harrison for impersonating a scottish laird. I JUST DIDN'T BUY IT!
from the "WHAT were they THINKING?" files: you filmed the young indy part of the movie in COLOUR, spielberg?!?!?!? I would have loved to have seen some black and white, and I know I'm not alone! SOME of  us can handle the avant-garde and actually APPRECIATE being challenged! nice to see that you GOT THE HINT by the time you filmed Schindler's List.
most romantic kiss: indy and the nazi chick in her room. can you say "HOT"?!

 

so
think this might be the
least readable and most worthless blogpost yet on this blog
imo this is maybe only because I
didn't post the one I'd written about Dead Ringers
when I was
worried that I was about to run out of sailing movies and had to abandon ship
AS IT WERE XD XD XD XD
it was such a horrible blogpost you wouldn't have believed it

I only have 1 picture in this post so far, which is maybe why it seems unusually horrible to me
but
they all seem
unusually horrible
before I add pictures
(yep that's right, ALL of them.)
which is always at the end
except for
the one picture I already put in this one
which is
a picture of the movie's poster
and maybe I did that with the others
I certainly
tho
didn't
*make* any pictures myself
via screencaps or photoshops
before writing the post

imo
whenever I
look at a long thing on the internet
without pictures
my
eyes cross
imo
have to
break this shit up with tons of pix
or
u, the reader, will die
and also I will
never want to look at this post again
imo don't really want to do screenshots tho this time
my comp retarted itself to install sum updates
(thank you blogger for saving shit every once in a while!!!!!!!!! xoxoxox)
see I
trypoed "restarted" as "retarded" up there [I noticed while revising this blog post that I typoed "typoed", but imo this blog post is "tripe" so I'm leaving it. -Ed.]
but imo
that is how I feel about this shit
it's
retarded that
this gay old vista shit (I don't know if it does this with windows 7) restarts damn comps and loses all the shit I had going on
shame on you, "Dollar" Bill Gate$

anyway
my comp restarted itself to install updates
and
that closed vlc which is what I was using to watch the movie
and
don't want to bother opening it up
even tho
it would be easier than gising relevant pics

yo so I
made the pix "original size" instead of "medium", which is the size blogger makes them automatically
I guess that's what they all must have been in the other posts re: didn't know you could change the size until now
just trying to
"keep it real" here on Attack of the Sailing Movies dot Com
shit looks less fancy tho
but at least you can
read the funnie things I wrote on the pix
without squinting
 
that's it for this week's blog
how you all learned something about the indiana jones franchise

ok that's
not it
I just reread this blog post and
this is def worse than the Dead Ringers one
def worse than all the others
and they were bad too

I wrote this over like
3 days or something
and
the first day's stuff is
completely awful and annoying
the other stuff is still completely awful but less annoying
the pix are mostly awful and annoying
really worried that all my blog posts will be annoying
don't really care about them being awful tho

wtf am I doing with this blog? why would I think that I, of all people, deserve to have a blog? can't even remember how I landed this gig

imo maybe I will give myself a word limit
the word limit will be
(if I do this)
the number of words in the KON-TIKI post

no fuck word limits
I
can't be chained imo

I'm going to blog free or die

feel more confident about this blog than ever before

feel like a bookdeal is right around the corner

feel like a sitcom based on this blog is right around the corner

feel like a The Social Network-style  movie about the rise of this blog is right around the corner

feel like my assassination is around the corner

but until then
I blog.

MOSQUITO COAST

So I watched Mosquito Coast a while ago, and it features q. a bit of sailing.

I was origie. going to make a post about some other movie oh yeah it was THE AFRICAN QUEEN but I can't even remember if I watched the whole thing. It was too boring to deserve a prestigious post spot on my blog, "Attack of the Sailing Movie!".

But I warn yall: the following post about MOSQUITO COAST is p. much just a long summary of the movie with no interesting extra things, much like the KON-TIKI post. There isn't even much about sailing in this post. Maybe I should "analyse" the next sailing movie I watch and write some kind of "essay". I also warn yall that this is written in a v. annoying and bloggy voice, and that I think I should stop capitalizing every letter in names next time I make a post.

Now on2 the post:

Let me try to remember the sailing events:

-on a boat (NON-SAIL) to the MOSQUITO COAST (a real place, it seems)

-on the black guy's boat (possibly had a sail but also had a motor)
-on the black guy's new boat (his first one was destroyed so he got a new one by trading a watch, which the main character gave him, for it)
-on a house that turned into a besailed raft when things got really rainy

There might have also been some boats collecting ice blocks but I don't remember.

Anyway, I think all this stuff makes this qualify as a sailing movie.

THE MOVIE:

The movie, called (The?!?) MOSQUITO COAST, stars HARRISON FORD, HELEN MIRREN, RIVER PHOENIX, and OTHERS.

It's about some guy who is kind of like my uncle except more competent. I have no idea what I would call this bro's politics, but I am sure they are "sOoOoOo crazy". He h8s America (or loves it too much!!!!). He also hates China. He likes the Mosquito Coast tho. He hates "welfare queens" but also loves helping poor people and doesn't seem to be racist (except near the end when he calls the black guy with the boat a "savage"). I swear, he has tons of black friends! All of his friends are black! I swear! Oh yeah, back to the savage thing, he hates savages but wants to be as savage as possible. What a zany-ass bro! He's also an atheist who hates religion so much that he burned down a church (via riding norwegian black metal waves). The bro loves science, but also hates all technology. This guy is a "walking contradiction" (via (let me google this) Green Day).

"It's about some guy who is kind of like my uncle except more competent."

Liberal? Conservative? "Libertarian"? SoooOOOooOOOoOooo confused! This movie is from the 80s I think so maybe things were different then.

So this bro invents a magical machine that turns water into ice using only fire (isn't this how freezers already work? Like, some bros burn coal somewhere, the electricity goes to your house, and then into your freezer, and it freezes water? N E way...)

He hates what is happening to the America he once loved (re: welfare queens taking it over) so he forces his family to go to the Mosquito Coast. On the way they meet a missionary family with a "haute gurlie" with which the main kid (RIVER PHOENIX) can fall in "love". While travelling there, they are on a boat, but the boat isn't very important. Just a way for the chars. to meet/talk to each other while travelling, and for the "haute gurlie" and the RIVER PHOENIX to be able to have some "alone time", I guess (which couldn't really happen on a plane). I think they really missed some good boat-related opportunities. Actually, they did take advantage of the whole "being out in the sun" thing that you get with a boat, re: they had the main family cover their noses in thick sunscreen, making them look like white-ass corny idiots who aren't reddie to live in the jungle.

BTW, on the boat, the "haute girlie" says to RIVER PHOENIX: "I think about you when I go to the bathroom."

They end up living in the jungle because HARRISON FORD bought a town, becoming its mayor (I didn't know you could do that), but it turned out to be not much of a town (i.e. 3 lil shacks in the jungle), to the dismay of his family, which hates him.

They work tons re: turning it into a decent town, and it ends up being some kind of tree house paradise thing with sillie colourful inventions doing fun things. Everyone is sooooooooo happie, but then the missionary dad, whom HARRISON FORD hates, comes to the town and tries to ruin it by converting its citizens. The citizens laugh him away but then one oldish woman citizen does a secret sign of the cross. The town has been infected!

HARRISON FORD builds a giant version of his ice machine (about silo size, I guess), and the natives get to see ice for the very first time (you see, it's very hot in the Mosquito Coast).

HARRISON FORD wants to go deeper in2 the jungle to give ice to some untouched savagey hut ppl. It takes a long time to carry the ice and HARRISON FORD is an asshole and the ice melts once they get to the savages, so the savages are way angry and confused. HARRISON FORD sees some non-savage captives in one of the huts and gives them advice on how to escape. The savages let HARRISON FORD and his crew leave even tho they are way angry at him. (I am calling them "savages" semi-ironically, the part that isn't semi-ronic being that I really have no idea what to call them because I don't think they were given a name in the movie and I don't know how else to compare them to the citizens who live in houses. Am I becoming HARRISON FORD?!?!?!?)

They go back to their treehouse paradise. The best citizen (I think he might have also been the black guy with the boat. I don't remember, plus they "all look the same to me" anyway. I HAVE BECOME HARRISON FORD!!!!!!!!!!) is picking tomatoes in a greenhouse and he sees a gun (someone is holding the gun) and he runs away screaming and it turns out that the gun was being held by one of the supposed captives from the hut! They weren't captives at all! They were evil bros (there are 3 of them) and they want to take over the treehouse paradise!

Trubble in paradise?!?!??!

HARRISON FORD tries to get them to leave by pretending that the treehouse paradise is infested with invisible ants and that he has to dismantle it. He tears apart most of his treehouse paradise (sooooo sad imo) but the bros don't leave. HARRISON FORD then sets up a nice room for the bros. Such a nice room! Why would he be so nice to these evil bros? The bros go to sleep and have a nice time.

Then he sends his son (RIVER PHOENIX) on a mission. The mission is to climb the ice machine and move some piece of metal. TURNS OUT THAT THE BRO ROOM WAS IN THE TOP OF THE ICE MACHINE AND THAT THE PIECE OF METAL JUST LOCKED THE BROS INSIDE! HARRISON FORD TURNS ON THE ICE MACHINE TO FREEZE THE EVIL BROS!

Everyone thinks "You have gone too far, HARRISON FORD!" but he says "They were evil anyway, and my ice machine will give them a quick, cold death via being humane." I'm not buying it, HARRISON FORD, and neither are the citizens!

The bros wake up and get all mad and start shooting around their ice machine room. They shoot some important pipe and this makes the ice machine explode. The explosion is way big and destroys the town and poisons the river (NOT THE PHOENIX ONE. AN ACTUAL RIVER).

Everyone is sooooooo mad at HARRISON FORD and they want to go home, but Harrison Ford wants to go deeper into savagery. He strands his family on an island and tells them that America got blown up via nuclear bombs, so they can never go back. He says that they won't use any modern day newfangled technology things except for what washes ashore (it's a garbagey island via so many things washing ashore). The black guy with a boat gets mad at HARRISON FORD for being such an idiot and says that if they build a house close to the water they will drown in a storm. HARRISON FORD doesn't care and builds a house anyway. The black guy comes back in secret and sneaks the kids some gasoline and an "outboard motor" (it that what it's called?) and tells them to tell their dad that they found those things washed ashore (making them "authentic" enough to be used by HARRISON FORD). I think that by now the black guy had already bought a new boat, and HARRISON FORD was mad at him for having traded his special watch for it (even though HARRISON FORD hates watches! What a hypocrite!). The black guy's boat isn't really important. The first one is destroyed somehow, but I don't remember how. The only boat that's really important is the one that is about to appear!

"The black guy's boat isn't really important."

There is a big storm and the house starts floating away (not much of a house, btw. Sort of like a house that people would have on the TV show SURVIVOR.). The kids present HARRISON FORD with the gas and motor [TURNS OUT IT WAS A SPARK PLUG, NOT A MOTOR. -Ed.], claiming that they found them, and HARRISON FORD converts the house into a raft (with sails). It is v. ownage to watch this thing sailing in a storm, f. y. i.

The storm calms down and stuff and then the mother, HELEN MIRREN, is like "Thank god! Finally we can go somewhere decent! Let's go live with the black guy who owns a boat, since America is blown up and we can't go there!"

Then HARRISON FORD IS LIKE "Heh. Don't make me lol. We're going up-river, re: there's *life* upriver!"

He also gets mad at the kids for some reason and tows them in a tiny boat behind the main boat. The younger kid says that he wants to kill HARRISON FORD, but the older one, RIVER PHOENIX, tells him to shut up and then apologizes. They both want to kill their evil father.

While they're sailing they hear the missionary bro preaching. HARRISON FORD gets so angry that he parks the boat (I don't know what the sailing term is for that. Moors? Docks?) and says that he wants to punch the missionary in the face.

They get on the island and run into the preachy church, but the missionary bro isn't there at all! It's just a tape of him preaching being shown on a TV to a curchful of natives! [Would like to point out here that there were also natives in a church listening to something recorded, iirc, in the movie KON-TIKI, which has also been reviewed on this Blog. -Ed.] Soooooo disgusting and evil!

The kids run away and find the missionary's house and get the "haute gurlie" to meet them outside. She says that RIVER PHOENIX's hair is gross, but I disagree. He is obvs. living a no-poo lifestyle (to learn more about the benefits of a no-poo lifestyle please google "shampoo scam"), but had the misfortune of living in the 80s, a time of bad hair. If the "haute gurlie" were alive today, I am sure that she would agree with me that RIVER PHOENIX's hair was better without shampoo.

The "haute gurlie" gives the kids the key to her parents' Jeep so that they can escape their crazy dad with their mother. Meanwhile, HARRISON FORD burns down the church and his family is like "Oh god I hope it wasn't DAD who burned down that church!" and then HARRISON FORD runs up to them and is like "Heh heh heh looks like I spilled a little *points to gas can* GASOLINE!" Soooooo embarrassing, dad!

The missionary gets way mad and shoots HARRISON FORD in the chest or shoulder or something (probably shoulder re: the usual place to get shot in a movie). They put HARRISON FORD on the boat house and sail away. HARRISON FORD is dying and the kids don't want him to die anymore! He says that he can't move anything below his head (via having been shot). HARRISON FORD is like "I hope we're going upriver [which yall will remember is where he wanted to go. -Ed.]." Helen Mirren is like "Y-Yeah, sure. We're going upriver alright!" and then HARRISON FORD dies and the camera zooms out to show that they are going from the river out into the ocean, a.k.a "downriver"!

Then RIVER PHOENIX gives some kind of narration epilogue things, but when I try to remember it I can only remember Juliette Lewis's thing at the end of CAPE FEAR re: it's p. much the same thing. (Man, I should make a post about CAPE FEAR once I run out of movies with legit. sails.)

The credits thank T.S. Eliot's estate or whatever for letting them use parts of FRAGMENT OF AN AGON. Didn't even notice it while watching the movie. All I can remember is HARRISON FORD saying "I'll take you away to a cannibal isle" or however that goes. Not sure if there was any more of it in the movie.

Rating: **** (4 starfish out of 4)

So I just wrote a post about the movie MOSQUITO COAST.

How was this post? P. shitty? Still don't know how to write a blog post. Still don't know anything about "movies" or "sailing movies". I think the pictures are mostly krappie too.

Would any1 get the idea that I liked the movie if I hadn't put a starfish rating at the end? Was this post "snarkie"?

Should I get some gimmicks like "The Funniest Line in the Movie" or "Best Sailing Moment"?

Is it easier to post pictures when you're using a browser other than Chrome? Blogger is owned by Google, so that would be ridiculous, but it's more ridiculous how hard it is to post a damn picture.

Is Google trying to keep people from posting pictures?

Write your congressman.

P.S.: Watch this movie re: it owns.